Posts Tagged ‘relationship problem’

Overfunctioning Can Be Ruining Your Relationship According to Rori Raye

A key aspect in the success of a relationship, according to Rori Raye, is the balance of the feminine and masculine energy.  One way that we, as women, drive a relationship into imbalance is by overfunctioning within the relationship.  Put very simply, overfunctioning is doing too much.  Rori Raye talks about this in the Have the Relationship You Want eBook, and I would like to share some key insights with you here today.

First, let’s define overfunctioning.  Overfunctioning is a term coined by Rori Raye, and it basically means doing more than your fair share.  Its “doing other family members’ work, and helping where no

help is needed. It’s stepping in when you know you could do a better job, stepping up to rescue someone, jumping in to save the situation” (Rori Raye, p 116).  Doing this, doing too much, will actually deprive your MAN of his ability to be the masculine partner, because surprisingly, the nurturing in the relationship is a masculine energy, and not a feminine energy.

By taking all these things on, we make it actually unrewarding for men to act like men, and

they become lazy and complacent and vaguely resentful and then, they quit trying to make us happy. “They opt out of Masculinity, hand it over to us, and let us do it all” (Rori Raye, p 117).  And how many of us, as women, FEEL like we are doing it all and WISH that the man in our lives would step up and take some of the burden?  Well, more than likely, we created this situation by essentially emasculating our men by over-doing and overfunctioning.

The real eye opener for me, though, was learning how nurturing is actually a masculine energy.  It seems counterintuitive, right?  I mean, really, we as women – moms, wives, girlfriends – we live to give love, to grow our children and help out.  But, nurturing is about DOING things, giving things, and literally giving your energy away.  And as we know from previous discussions (see my blog if you did not read them), when you give energy out, that is a masculine action.

“Feeling compassion, connection, love, sensual delight in the way your baby feels to your touch, excitement at the way your lover feels to your touch – is completely different from reaching over and picking the baby up when it cries, from driving the kids to school, from reaching over and massaging your husband or boyfriend’s back when he never massages yours, from starting the conversation with a man you’ve never met because he seems too shy to take the first step, from soothing a man when his feelings are hurt by you or anyone else” (Rori Raye, p 117).  But feeling things is completely different from doing things.  And, allow me to say that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing because we are all a MIXTURE of the female and male energies is a relationship.  Where the trouble lies is when we, as women, who should be in the feminine energy, take OVER the masculine energy by doing TOO MUCH.

Do you understand what I am saying?  When we are functioning in a balanced way, we have the fluidity of movement between masculine and feminine energies.  But, when we overfunction, we get literally STUCK in the masculine energy.  And that leads to overbalance, and leads your man to have no recourse because you have taken HIS role in the relationship.

Let’s not get confused here, though, because we cannot confuse being loving with nurturing.  “We completely miss the joy of loving our men by experiencing them.   Experiencing men, like experiencing a sunset, or a walk in the forest, or a work of art, or childbirth, or rain, or sex requires that we let go of the urge to Do” (Rori Raye, p 117).  EXEPERIENCING these things is different than DOING these things, like taking pictures of the sunset is different than simply experiencing it.   Taking a hike in the forest for exercise is different than simply EXPERIENCING what the forest has to offer you.

So try simply experiencing things – take a small moment and go outside, sit in the sunshine and experience the day.  Feel the sun on your skin, the breeze in your hair, notice the smells and the sounds and the experience of it all.  Don’t analyze it, judge it, assimilate it, just FEEL it.  Do that until you get GOOD at it.  Then start trying to do this in your relationship.  Just EXPERIENCE it at times instead of fixing it.

When you are directing your masculine energy of nurturing toward your man, you may be making him feel like you are mothering him, and men don’t like that or want that.  That makes you seem judgmental and apart from them.  Instead, give him some attention and love, but don’t treat him like something that needs fixed.  So stop overfunctioning – stop doing everything and give him the room to take it over.  Instead, step back and start being cherished for what you are. This is what your husband or boyfriend wants – to love you for who and what you are.

Dating Advice for Women – How To Bring Him Back When He Pulls Away

This time of year seems to be the peak time when women are seeking dating advice.   Some of the most common questions I get center around what to do if your man is pulling away – or what can I do to make him commit?  They may seem to be very different questions, but, if you think about it, they are pretty much the same question.  How do I draw my man closer to me?

You may be experiencing the same thing that millions of other women have experienced.  Your man is withdrawing, he seems vague, distant or just not as into the relationship as you would like him to be.  Maybe he seems angry, maybe not, but something just does not “feel right”.

So – being a woman, you naturally go into attention seeking or “vulnerable” mode, as has been bred into us since time immemorial.  You talk, you try to get him to talk, and you ask questions.  Maybe you get angry or hurt and you make sure he sees it.  Maybe you pout, pick fights, nag him and begin to get clingy and needy.

We will go into how wrong this all is in a minute, so hold on to that thought.

So your boyfriend or husband sees this behavior and freaks out because you are getting clingy and needy.  He freaks and withdraws even more, or leaves.  And then the cycle continues.

One thing I cannot stress enough to women when they ask for dating advice is that the “needy behavior” does NOT work.  You think, in our female logic, that if you display to him, in whatever form, that you need him and that he is hurting you – that he, being a man, will naturally want to “rescue you” and make it all better.  Right?  That’s the general gist.  BUT in REALITY that kind of behavior makes men RUN AWAY.

If he sees that behavior in you, his “NEEDY GIRL” alarms start flashing in his head like a bad strobe light and every fiber of his being will tell him to RUN the other way.

So what CAN a woman do that will make her beau come TOWARD her – toward commitment, to quit withdrawing?  Take a moment to imagine a picture with me, and you will see the answer for yourself.  Picture two lumberjacks.  A HUGE tree.  A two man saw.  Now, picture the lumberjacks picking up the two man saw, and cutting down the tree.  One man pushes, and the other one pulls back.  Then the other man pushes and the first man draws back.  When one leans toward the other, the other one HAS to pull back.  But if you lean back, the other one will come toward you.

So – what can you do to make him quit pulling back?  Lean back instead of forward.  Quit pushing.

Here is how to “lean back” (by the way, I learned this technique straight from Rori Raye in her fabulous dating advice eBook.  You should check it out!) When you find yourself getting worked up about something (let’s say you think he is being distant and uncommunicative tonight) you first have to RECOGNIZE your feelings and what they center on.  So whenever you start to feel negative emotion, stop and turn your eye inward for a moment and identify the cause.  Is he really being distant, or are you in a bad mood because someone made a snide remark to you at work today?

Second, simply FEEL what you are feeling.  Take a deep breath and close your eyes and let it come, really FEEL it.  It might hurt, it might be uncomfortable or it might feel good to really let yourself feel your emotion.  Don’t judge it, just feel it.

Now, what you will notice is the silence.  You have taken a few moments to effectively “ground” yourself, and in those moments, you did not talk, or push him.  And perhaps, in those moments, you will have come to SEE him clearly.  Maybe you see that he is just a PERSON who is dealing with something that may or may not have anything to do with you.

NOW, try to say something to HIM about what YOU are FEELING.  Don’t accuse him of anything – open up to him.  Say something like, “I feel very uncomfortable right now, uncomfortable with the silence and I am feeling disconnected from you.  Is there anything going on that I should know?”

This kind of communication tells HIM several things – you are mature enough to recognize and understand your OWN feelings, you are also mature enough not to ASSUME you know what HIS feelings are, you are courageous enough to speak up when you feel this way and want to correct it and you respect him enough to tackle it head on instead of using the normal methods most other women use.

From there, you can begin connecting with your man on a deeper level, leaning back to encourage him to lean forward and using words and statements that will pull him into you as a person instead of push him away with emotion.  Try this technique from Rori Raye and see how it works for you.  Check out her eBook, as well, Have the Relationship You Want, which gives you many more in depth tips and tools to use in order to get the closeness you have always wanted from your partner, whether you are just dating or have been married for 15 years.  It works!

3 Steps to Better Your Relationship – TODAY!

Relationships can be tough – and finding good relationship advice can be even harder.  Are you looking to find some healing within your relationship?  Do you feel like there is a chasm opening up between you and your boyfriend or husband?  Well, keep reading, because I can show you what to do.

I can testify to this, because this has worked wonders in my own marriage, and it is advice I got straight from Christian Carter.  This is all about breaking down the barriers of ignorance in a relationship – in YOUR relationship – and learning to TRULY connect with your man. 

It is very simple – seek to understand and YOU will be understood.  I know – it sounds pretty Zen-like, but trust me, it works.  This is why…

When you are experiencing problems in your relationship, it is more than likely because you do not understand something he has done, or he does not understand something you have done.  The worst part is – half the time, you don’t even know you are misinterpreting something! 

This method has been more valuable to me in my relationship with my husband than any other single piece of relationship advice. When you are seeking to understand what your partner is really doing, thinking or feeling, you are opening yourself up to a much broader perspective – which leaves you with many more options and solutions.

When you are putting your perspective onto an action he is doing – what you are doing is judging him and basing all your reactions on your own personal view or bias.  But do you really know what happened?  Let me tell you distinctly – no, you do not.

I have been married for years, and after hearing Christian Carter’s advice in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook, I discovered a HUGE misunderstanding in our relationship.  We have 3 children, two of them are very young.  Whenever one of the children would get hurt – my husband would get IRATE.  He would get SO mad, I hated it.  I felt like he was mad at me for letting it happen.

The truth was though is that once I talked to him, I learned the real reason.  He got mad because he got SCARED.   Anger at fear is a typical male reaction, and he never even realized how his anger was hurting me – because he assumed I knew why he was mad.  I thought I did, but I was wrong. 

So – how do you DO this?  I will show you.  Here are three simple steps you can take today to begin to understand your man and strengthen your relationship.

First – you need to be in the PRESENT only.  You must let go of all the previous hurts and grudges you harbor.  Release your expectations of your man and your relationship.  You must begin this with a clean slate.

Second, seek to understand the person your man is.  You can do this by asking yourself a series of questions. What’s important to him? (i.e., for the man, it may be friends, work, adventure, freedom)  What does he like and not like?  What does he want from me?

 Strive for some insight into what he really IS, and then move onto the feeling stage.   This is where you walk a mile or two in his moccasins.  Pretend you are him and try to take on his feelings, his opinions and his experiences.  You then ask yourself (him) in his shoes when you come to him with a problem. 

1- How does this make me feel and react?  (If you are asking him for a deeper commitment, does it make him scared, anxious, unsure, happy?  Does it make him ask how he will provide for you?)
2- What do I care about most?  (Does he wonder about your sex life, babies, problems that are already occurring in your relationship?)
3- What are the pros and cons?  (What does he see as the solution, or the advantages and disadvantages to the solution or opportunity?)

What this will do is bring you into the heart of your man and give you a MUCH better viewpoint – you can see HIM and you can see YOU.  It will help you maintain objectivity and help you to ask the right questions when he seems to be clamming up. 

I got all this from Christian Carter, reading his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook and listening to his programs for relationship advice.  If you want more relationship advice, check Christian Carter out now!