Posts Tagged ‘Relationship Advice’

What Christian Carter Calls the “Danger of a Connection”

I received a request for dating advice from a reader in my inbox the other day, and really felt the urge to share this woman’s situation with my readers, because so many of us fall into this emotional trap when we begin to date a guy.  Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him calls this the “danger of a connection”, and it’s all about letting ourselves as women get overwhelmed by the emotion of a new relationship.

Here is the letter from my reader:

Hey Sarah –

Thanks for your letters, they actually have given me insight, however I have got a question about my boyfriend I just met 3 weeks ago. He only calls me at night and sometimes skips a day without calling. I felt so in love with him the first week and when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside. I want to ask him how he feel about me now but I don’t want to spoil it or looks like I m needy. How do I make him feel the same way I feel for him. Please help me I really need a serious commitment and really want to know if he is for me and if not how to move on, thanks again Sarah.

In need of dating advice,

Anonymous

Here is my answer to this struggling woman:

Dear Anonymous –

Thank you for writing to me with your dating problem.  I am going to give it to you straight here, because I believe that is what you need, and what people value about my dating advice.  Let’s examine what you have said here.

First of all, you have been dating this man for only three weeks, yet you fell “in love” with him in the first week.  That is a HUGE red flag here for several reasons.  First of all, if you are falling in love with someone that quickly, it is 9 times out of 10 lust and not love (or attraction) – which is not the basis for a lasting relationship.  You cannot possibly know this man (as you said, you don’t know what to say to him or how to read what he is thinking) so you cannot genuinely be in love with him.  So for your own good, let’s take a step back here and really try to evaluate what is happening.

I want to talk to you, specifically, about what Christian Carter says in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 55.  He titles this section “The Danger of a Connection”, and this is EXACTLY what is happening to you.   Christian Carter writes, “You’d be crazy to take the close relationship and love you want to find and gamble it away by betting on a guy whose greatest qualification is that he makes you feel attracted to him….For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard women talk about something they call “chemistry” or a “connection.” Women use these words to describe a feeling they have and then choose to attach their own meaning to it, without making sure the man feels the same way”.

This, it seems, is exactly what is happening to you.  You said “when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside”.

So, you are feeling like you are in a relationship (and after only a couple weeks, that is what is called an “instant relationship”, which not really a relationship at all, but a pseudo-relationship based on feelings of attraction and chemistry).  You don’t know if he is feeling the same way – which means in reality that he is NOT feeling the same way.

Christian carter says “The wiring men have inside doesn’t necessarily tie together that physical and chemical attraction with deeper long-term bonding elements the way it does so quickly for women.  Men have a range of responses with women they’re attracted to. Women are generally great at reading these attraction signals. Unfortunately, women aren’t good with two important skills:

1)  Identifying if he’s truly a quality future mate (above and beyond the “connection”)

2) Deciphering whether or not the energy, interactions, conversations, behaviors, and the mutual interests between the man and women can develop into a foundation for a strong relationship”.

So, there is a huge commonality in failed relationships – and that is that the “connection” or “chemistry” was the only thing the coupled shared in common.  Another way of saying this is that the “chemistry” you felt with him is no indicator of your relationship’s ability to survive, as it does not involve common interest, values, or even the ability to communicate well.

Don’t get me wrong, you DO have to have a good connection with a future mate.  HOWEVER, that connection MUST led to a keen ability to communicate with each other in a respectful and loving way – and already your relationship is showing evidence of a lack of communicative ability.

So – to recap – do not mistake your chemistry connection for a real relationship – it isn’t one.  Make sure you are not falling in the love with the IDEA of who he is, according to Christian Carter, instead of who he REALLY is – because you DO NOT know who he REALLY is after only a few weeks.  I think you need to step back from this relationship and take a good look inside YOURSELF and discover what it is you really want, and whether or not you are really ready for a relationship if you are falling for a guy so quickly.  You need to make sure that YOU are getting what YOU need in a relationship – love, understanding, commitment, respect and support.  You are worth waiting for those things, and you will be much happier in the end if you are choosy about the relationships you enter into.

All the best,

Sarah

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

Overfunctioning Can Be Ruining Your Relationship According to Rori Raye

A key aspect in the success of a relationship, according to Rori Raye, is the balance of the feminine and masculine energy.  One way that we, as women, drive a relationship into imbalance is by overfunctioning within the relationship.  Put very simply, overfunctioning is doing too much.  Rori Raye talks about this in the Have the Relationship You Want eBook, and I would like to share some key insights with you here today.

First, let’s define overfunctioning.  Overfunctioning is a term coined by Rori Raye, and it basically means doing more than your fair share.  Its “doing other family members’ work, and helping where no

help is needed. It’s stepping in when you know you could do a better job, stepping up to rescue someone, jumping in to save the situation” (Rori Raye, p 116).  Doing this, doing too much, will actually deprive your MAN of his ability to be the masculine partner, because surprisingly, the nurturing in the relationship is a masculine energy, and not a feminine energy.

By taking all these things on, we make it actually unrewarding for men to act like men, and

they become lazy and complacent and vaguely resentful and then, they quit trying to make us happy. “They opt out of Masculinity, hand it over to us, and let us do it all” (Rori Raye, p 117).  And how many of us, as women, FEEL like we are doing it all and WISH that the man in our lives would step up and take some of the burden?  Well, more than likely, we created this situation by essentially emasculating our men by over-doing and overfunctioning.

The real eye opener for me, though, was learning how nurturing is actually a masculine energy.  It seems counterintuitive, right?  I mean, really, we as women – moms, wives, girlfriends – we live to give love, to grow our children and help out.  But, nurturing is about DOING things, giving things, and literally giving your energy away.  And as we know from previous discussions (see my blog if you did not read them), when you give energy out, that is a masculine action.

“Feeling compassion, connection, love, sensual delight in the way your baby feels to your touch, excitement at the way your lover feels to your touch – is completely different from reaching over and picking the baby up when it cries, from driving the kids to school, from reaching over and massaging your husband or boyfriend’s back when he never massages yours, from starting the conversation with a man you’ve never met because he seems too shy to take the first step, from soothing a man when his feelings are hurt by you or anyone else” (Rori Raye, p 117).  But feeling things is completely different from doing things.  And, allow me to say that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing because we are all a MIXTURE of the female and male energies is a relationship.  Where the trouble lies is when we, as women, who should be in the feminine energy, take OVER the masculine energy by doing TOO MUCH.

Do you understand what I am saying?  When we are functioning in a balanced way, we have the fluidity of movement between masculine and feminine energies.  But, when we overfunction, we get literally STUCK in the masculine energy.  And that leads to overbalance, and leads your man to have no recourse because you have taken HIS role in the relationship.

Let’s not get confused here, though, because we cannot confuse being loving with nurturing.  “We completely miss the joy of loving our men by experiencing them.   Experiencing men, like experiencing a sunset, or a walk in the forest, or a work of art, or childbirth, or rain, or sex requires that we let go of the urge to Do” (Rori Raye, p 117).  EXEPERIENCING these things is different than DOING these things, like taking pictures of the sunset is different than simply experiencing it.   Taking a hike in the forest for exercise is different than simply EXPERIENCING what the forest has to offer you.

So try simply experiencing things – take a small moment and go outside, sit in the sunshine and experience the day.  Feel the sun on your skin, the breeze in your hair, notice the smells and the sounds and the experience of it all.  Don’t analyze it, judge it, assimilate it, just FEEL it.  Do that until you get GOOD at it.  Then start trying to do this in your relationship.  Just EXPERIENCE it at times instead of fixing it.

When you are directing your masculine energy of nurturing toward your man, you may be making him feel like you are mothering him, and men don’t like that or want that.  That makes you seem judgmental and apart from them.  Instead, give him some attention and love, but don’t treat him like something that needs fixed.  So stop overfunctioning – stop doing everything and give him the room to take it over.  Instead, step back and start being cherished for what you are. This is what your husband or boyfriend wants – to love you for who and what you are.

Respect Yourself Enough to Let Him Go – Inspired by Christian Carter

One of the hardest kinds of dating and relationship advice to give is the kind of advice that tells a person something they may not want to hear.  Christian Carter tackles this many times in the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook and so does Rori Raye in the Have the Relationship You Want eBook.  Both use tact, caring and a firm hand to try to help guide women from hurtful behaviors to the ability to have a mature and meaningful relationship.

It’s difficult for me, as well, when I get emails from my subscribers that tell me about behaviors and events that just break my heart.  One such email is below, and I ask you all to extend your empathy and strength to this woman as she goes through a difficult time.  Remember, too, that when you are too close to a situation, it is often times very difficult to see it for what it really is…

Hey, Sarah

I have already broken up with my ex for almost 5 months, but we still keep in touch and sometimes have physical relations. At the beginning I can’t get out from this kind relationship, but after several months, I feel more comfortable than before, I just be myself and if I want to see him I just call him if don’t, I just focus on my own life.

After we broke up, I dated other guys, but not very serious. But recently I met a guy who really wanted to start a serious relationship with me. My ex found out and he got anxious. But after he saw that I have no chemistry with that guy, he went back to normal. Now I have strong feeling that I want to get my ex back, cause after seeing a lot of guys, I found out its super hard to find a guy I will have feelings about. And 2 weeks later is his birthday, I am not sure I should get him a gift ($500 watch he wants for a long time) or not! I need your help!!!

My reply to this woman follows:

Dear Z -

Thank you so much for writing in.  I know I dropped you a line earlier today that told you under no circumstance were you to buy this man a gift, and that I would address the rest of your letter as soon as I could.  Well, now is the time, and this is going to be a little bit of tough love, dear, Christian Carter style.

You need to drop this man like a poisonous snake.  He is using you to get physical gratification and you are letting him get away with satisfying his needs but not meeting your own.

I am quoting this directly from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook (page 47), “A man can easily change his mind about a woman. He can very easily go from seeing a woman as “Relationship Material” to someone he’s just dating until the right one comes along.  But…

It’s extremely difficult for a man to consider a woman for a real relationship when she started out as just a “casual girl.”  In other words, don’t EVER start off as the “casual girl” if you want the option of a full and committed relationship in the future. If a relationship is what you’re after, you have to be “girlfriend material” and make sure that you are clear FROM THE START that the only way you’ll be with him is for a relationship, not for something casual.  Some women think they can catch a guy and keep him interested by being sexy and luring him in with the physical aspects of intimacy. An example of this is the “friends with benefits” approach.  These women think they’re taking the quick and easy road by playing things so casually. Secretly, they believe that he’ll become interested and fall for her once he realizes how special their connection is”.

As Christian Carter continues on, he tells his readers that this approach just plain DOES NOT WORK. Men do not see relationships the same way as women do, and if you give in to him this way, he is going to break your heart.

So what DO you do?  You tell him that you are done with this.  In a calm, cool and very mature way, tell him simply that you are worth more than just a romp in the hay to any man, and that you are not going to continue to fulfill his needs while ignoring your own.  Then tell him simply that you wish him the best and that you are going to go date other people.  Do not give him the option to change.  Do not give him the option to be your boyfriend again.  Just end the conversation and walk out of his life.

And then -  here is the very important part.  YOU DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO.  And like Christian Carter says, be strong enough to respect yourself enough NOT to get intimate with another man until he has committed to you.

And what if your current boyfriend decides to change his evil ways?  Sure – date him, but do not become intimate with him again either until he has fully and completely committed to you.    And feel free to date more than one guy at the same time!  Don’t be sneaky – tell them, and tell them that you will not be intimate with anyone either.  This is called Circular Dating, and Rori Raye recommends it in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook.  And this type of dating puts YOU in control of the selection process.

You WILL find someone worth your time and your heart.  But you have to do your part and respect yourself enough to wait for it.  Christian Carter always ends his emails with “Best of luck in life and love” and I share this sentiment with you.  Be strong and you will be blessed with love and happiness!

Love,

Sarah