Posts Tagged ‘Natural and Lasting Attraction’

The Natural Process of Attraction According to Christian Carter – Don’t Chase Him!

Getting your ex back or getting that spark back into your relationship is a hot topic, and one that Christian Carter addresses when he tells his readers that attraction is not a CHOICE.  Many times, attraction for a man is built or maintained by your actions and your attitude, not your looks.  Similarly, when you are trying to get an ex back, your actions in trying to get him back may be what keeps him away – exactly the opposite of what you intend, of course, but often times the intuitive things we have learned as women, according to Christian Carter, are exactly the opposite of the things that really WORK.

Here is one reader’s question on getting her ex back…

How do I know if it was me or him? It’s been over a year since he left our marriage I’ve been in a lot if counseling.   Of course I had my flaws but I’m also a good catch maybe it was his commitment issues? I love him so much I’ve tried everything he just isn’t in to me – and I’m wearing down and very lonely! Many men would be proud to have me, every day I get hit on.   But he looks right thru me.  What should I do?  Give up?

*S*

Dear *S* -

I feel your pain when you are talking about your ex.  I am afraid, however, from your email, that you are overdoing and trying too hard.  This kind of behavior is exactly what drives a man away from a relationship and kills attraction for him.

You see, when you pursue a man in this manner, you are really going against the “natural selection” mode – because in nature, it is the female who actually chooses the mate – the male has to vie for her attention, and if he is lucky, he is chosen.  This is the basis for the courtship rituals in countless species (you can read more on this on page 39 in Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook).

So, if you are working on trying to get him back, essentially, trying to make HIM choose YOU, you are going against the grain of the man.  You need to lean back, metaphorically speaking, and allow him to be the one to pursue you.

You may be thinking, how will he know I am interested if I quit showing him?  You can give a man signals of interest without bludgeoning him over the head with them.  You can use your eyes, body language, etc to show him that you are open to receiving his advances.  It’s easier, however, to do this with a “new” man than to use it to try to get an ex back, especially if you have been pursuing him in one way or another for the last year.

S, for you, knowing that you have been married to this man, and have been actively trying to get him back, I believe it is time for you to walk away.  He is probably feeling hunted, wary, or simply tired of fielding the emotional volley from you after all this time.  It’s time to show HIM that you have other men to spend your time on and other things to do rather than sitting there pining after him.  Maybe he will realize, after you pull the proverbial rug out from under his feet, that he DOES need you and want you.  At that point, you continue to SHOW him that you are very capable of being happy on your own and not dependent upon him for your satisfaction in life.  This is something that I agree with Christian Carter on 100% – you HAVE to be able to be happy on your own before you can ever be really happy in a partnership.  And there is also the very real possibility that your ex will not respond – in which case – don’t you think it is much healthier to pursue your own happiness rather than try to keep a flame alive that is only being carried on one end?  It may seem harsh, but you have to respect yourself enough to walk away when its time.  Don’t demean yourself by pursuing someone who is not interested.  As you said yourself, you are a catch, and if he doesn’t realize him, then it is HIS loss.  Capitalize on that and find someone who will appreciate your value.

Love,

Sarah

Get What YOU Want Out of Your Relationship

One of the most common relationship questions that women have is “How do I tell where my relationship is going?  How do I know if he feels the same things I do and wants the same things?”  It’s a horrible place to be in – that limbo between a real relationship and just “dating”, isn’t it?  Well, let’s talk about what to do to get you OUT of that limbo and into a solid and mature relationship.

In a relationship, new or old, the best position to be in is one where your man is clearly ATTRACTED to you – where he wants to be with you, spend time with you and really participate in the relationship.  I know, you are thinking, “Tell me something I don’t know!”

Do you know how to tell the difference between physical attraction and a true, genuine CONNECTION?  Many women mistake the physical attraction a man feels for them as a signal that a man wants to really be in a relationship.  That’s a dangerous mistake to make, but all too common.

Here’s the thing – for men – he can share attraction with you, be intimate and caring and really seeming like he is connecting with you, but unless he feels that attraction on a DEEPER LEVEL than physically, it will fade away, and you are left in that horrible limbo.

What can a woman DO to create that kind of attraction on a deeper level?  First, you have to get your man out of his man-bred logical thinking.  You have to reach him in a place inside him that goes way beyond that – which may be something he has never experienced before you.   YOU may have never experienced it either – if you have never had a good, lasting relationship, I’m betting you never have.

Most women who are unsure of their relationship status and don’t know where things are will be asking themselves several different questions.  1) Why isn’t he interested in talking and moving our relationship forward?  2) Why is he afraid of a commitment?  3) Why didn’t he call me/come over/text me…?

What do all these questions have in common?    Two things.  First – they are all NEGATIVE and second, they are all about HIM.  This does two things – it attracts your own negativity, which gets projected then into the world around you (and into your man!) AND it relieves YOU of the need to take responsibility for your part in the relationship/commitment issue.

I’m betting you were thinking what I was going to tell you what to change in HIM, right?  Wrong.  Everything YOU do as a person, every relationship you are in, every situation you encounter has ONE thing in common – YOU.  YOU can only change YOU.  YOU can only take responsibility for YOUR actions.  YOU can only show others your example and encourage them by your own actions.  Do you see what I am saying?

So what kind of questions do you need to ask yourself?  How about these…What does it take for my man to want to commit?  What would he want from the relationship?   What can I do to help him move forward in this relationship?

This way, you are considering his needs, and without ASKING him the answers to these questions, try putting yourself in his shoes.  Has he had bad experiences? Perhaps a jealous or untrusting past partner?  A bad relationship with his mother or father?  Does he have all single friends?  Does he want a family?

But finally – WHAT IMPACT do these things have on him?  Maybe having a psycho ex-girlfriend has made him REALLY gun-shy of an untrusting partner.  Do you do what you can to HELP that, or not?  Do you SHOW him (not tell him) that you trust him?  Or do you forget about that and fall into attention seeking patterns when you think he might be out with the guys or even eyeballing a waitress at the local Hooters?

Do you see what I am saying?  If you get yourself into a pattern of trying to understand him and HIS needs in a relationship, I guarantee you that you are going to come out on top in this.  Show a man this kind of CONNECTION, and that attraction he has for you will deepen into the gut level attraction needed for starting and maintaining a serious relationship.  He will start showing YOU the same kind of kindness, respect and understanding that you show him if you lead him by YOUR example.

In other words – my mother always says you TEACH people how to treat you.

And my mom is right.  (Yes, I am sending her this article!)

If you want to learn more about true attraction and how to spark it then maintain it, please see Christian Carter’s program Natural and Lasting Attraction.  It is FULL of fabulous relationship advice and invaluable to women who want to know how to keep their current relationship from failing.

Attraction in the world of dating

Attraction in the world of dating is often a mystery to women.  Most women have no idea how attraction really works, or, if they think they DO have an idea, they have it all wrong.

Do you know what attraction really is and how it REALLY works?  Do you believe that attraction is a choice?  What is the POINT of attraction?  These are all great questions, and, unfortunately, not questions that we often think about as a woman – most of us take for granted that we know, when we don’t.

Allow me to boil it all down for you into a couple sentences (If you want a GREAT explanation, go see Christian Carter‘s Natural and Lasting Attraction Program).  Attraction exists to assist the reproduction of mankind – obviously.  But attraction works on a level of selection that most people don’t even know.  Your body is tuned to the alpha male – the male most likely to pass on good, healthy, strong and dominant genes to his offspring.  Remember Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest?  That’s it right there, in a nutshell.

So – perhaps you are wondering why you have always been attracted t the bad boy?  The bad boy is the one who ACTS like the alpha male!  Many times it’s just a sham, because the bad boys end up treating women like dirt, but he gets that initial attraction reaction from you because he seems like an alpha male.  There is more on that in the Natural and Lasting Attraction program.

There are MANY ways to spark attraction with a man – some of them work a LOT better than others, and some of them that women seem trained to do from birth are downright WRONG.

One – and only ONE of the myriad ways to spark attraction in a man is by playing hard to get.  Playing hard to get is a classic pattern of behavior that works for several reasons. Some women don’t like the idea of “playing hard to get” because it seems manipulative. It seems insincere. It seems like a game, and none of us want to make the dating game even more difficult than it already is.

The thing is, though, that men need to feel ATTRACTION and INTEREST in you.  And – they even want to have a little fun.  Want a guy to think about you constantly?  Don’t have sex with him.  Be unavailable.

It’s counterintuitive, I know.  You think, if I want him to think about me, then I better BE there for him to MISS me when I am not there.  Actually, the opposite is true – anticipation can do wonders for attraction.  And, being “hard to get” automatically implies your own scarcity, so it increases the rarity factor enhancing your attraction.  In other words, you are a hot commodity, and not ready available for the average Wal-Mart shopper.

The key is in holding back a detail in a playful and intentional way at the first opportunity, whether it’s your age, profession, or even your name. Make things up in an obvious way for fun!  (I.e. he asks you what you do for a living and you tell him you are a rodeo clown or a ninja assassin).  If a man is relating to you through a puzzle or mystery, he’s HOOKED.  Then you have reversed the roles, taken the lead for yourself, and now he is the one wanting something you have – knowledge and information about YOU.

So, if you are interested in attracting a man or maintaining a relationship with a man, attraction is certainly something you want to learn about.  This article is only the tip of the iceberg – if you really want to master attraction, and then check out Christian Carter’s Natural and Lasting Attraction program.