Posts Tagged ‘dating tips’

Respect Yourself Enough to Let Him Go – Inspired by Christian Carter

One of the hardest kinds of dating and relationship advice to give is the kind of advice that tells a person something they may not want to hear.  Christian Carter tackles this many times in the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook and so does Rori Raye in the Have the Relationship You Want eBook.  Both use tact, caring and a firm hand to try to help guide women from hurtful behaviors to the ability to have a mature and meaningful relationship.

It’s difficult for me, as well, when I get emails from my subscribers that tell me about behaviors and events that just break my heart.  One such email is below, and I ask you all to extend your empathy and strength to this woman as she goes through a difficult time.  Remember, too, that when you are too close to a situation, it is often times very difficult to see it for what it really is…

Hey, Sarah

I have already broken up with my ex for almost 5 months, but we still keep in touch and sometimes have physical relations. At the beginning I can’t get out from this kind relationship, but after several months, I feel more comfortable than before, I just be myself and if I want to see him I just call him if don’t, I just focus on my own life.

After we broke up, I dated other guys, but not very serious. But recently I met a guy who really wanted to start a serious relationship with me. My ex found out and he got anxious. But after he saw that I have no chemistry with that guy, he went back to normal. Now I have strong feeling that I want to get my ex back, cause after seeing a lot of guys, I found out its super hard to find a guy I will have feelings about. And 2 weeks later is his birthday, I am not sure I should get him a gift ($500 watch he wants for a long time) or not! I need your help!!!

My reply to this woman follows:

Dear Z -

Thank you so much for writing in.  I know I dropped you a line earlier today that told you under no circumstance were you to buy this man a gift, and that I would address the rest of your letter as soon as I could.  Well, now is the time, and this is going to be a little bit of tough love, dear, Christian Carter style.

You need to drop this man like a poisonous snake.  He is using you to get physical gratification and you are letting him get away with satisfying his needs but not meeting your own.

I am quoting this directly from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook (page 47), “A man can easily change his mind about a woman. He can very easily go from seeing a woman as “Relationship Material” to someone he’s just dating until the right one comes along.  But…

It’s extremely difficult for a man to consider a woman for a real relationship when she started out as just a “casual girl.”  In other words, don’t EVER start off as the “casual girl” if you want the option of a full and committed relationship in the future. If a relationship is what you’re after, you have to be “girlfriend material” and make sure that you are clear FROM THE START that the only way you’ll be with him is for a relationship, not for something casual.  Some women think they can catch a guy and keep him interested by being sexy and luring him in with the physical aspects of intimacy. An example of this is the “friends with benefits” approach.  These women think they’re taking the quick and easy road by playing things so casually. Secretly, they believe that he’ll become interested and fall for her once he realizes how special their connection is”.

As Christian Carter continues on, he tells his readers that this approach just plain DOES NOT WORK. Men do not see relationships the same way as women do, and if you give in to him this way, he is going to break your heart.

So what DO you do?  You tell him that you are done with this.  In a calm, cool and very mature way, tell him simply that you are worth more than just a romp in the hay to any man, and that you are not going to continue to fulfill his needs while ignoring your own.  Then tell him simply that you wish him the best and that you are going to go date other people.  Do not give him the option to change.  Do not give him the option to be your boyfriend again.  Just end the conversation and walk out of his life.

And then -  here is the very important part.  YOU DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO.  And like Christian Carter says, be strong enough to respect yourself enough NOT to get intimate with another man until he has committed to you.

And what if your current boyfriend decides to change his evil ways?  Sure – date him, but do not become intimate with him again either until he has fully and completely committed to you.    And feel free to date more than one guy at the same time!  Don’t be sneaky – tell them, and tell them that you will not be intimate with anyone either.  This is called Circular Dating, and Rori Raye recommends it in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook.  And this type of dating puts YOU in control of the selection process.

You WILL find someone worth your time and your heart.  But you have to do your part and respect yourself enough to wait for it.  Christian Carter always ends his emails with “Best of luck in life and love” and I share this sentiment with you.  Be strong and you will be blessed with love and happiness!

Love,

Sarah

Learning to be the Cool Girl – Dating Advice from Christian Carter

One of the biggest problems I see in dating and relationships today is many women drive their boyfriend away with immature behavior – and the opposite of this is being what Christian Carter calls a “cool girl”.  Immature behavior in a relationship often stems from the right intentions – such as caring about him, wanting to be with him, etc, but it is expressed in a bad way.

Some ways that good intentions are expressed in bad ways in a relationship are jealousy, obsession, mistrust and anger.  Jealousy can spring from love – you love your boyfriend so much that you start to become insecure – what of he leaves me/likes another girl/wants her?  You begin to worry and obsess and soon that love or like turns into jealousy, anger an mistrust.  Obsession, much like jealousy, can stem from love, but it can also stem from a desire to control your man and what he does, says, thinks or wants.  Mistrust is often directly related to your own insecurity, but that comes from jealousy and obsession as well – especially if you are becoming controlling of your man – often times he will begin to lie to you not to cover up anything truly bad that he has done, but to avoid fights and arguments over what he wants or does.  Anger is going to happen in any relationship – however, its expression can make or break your relationship.  If you are an “anger-in” person, you will keep your anger inside until you finally burst, and then a big scene will ensue.   If you are an “anger-out” person, you may hit, throw things, swear and scream when you are angry.  If you are emotionally mature, you will express your anger constructively, such as using “I feel” statements and active listening.

So how do all these bad things relate to what Christian Carter calls a “cool girl”?  Well – a cool girl is essentially an emotionally mature girl who does not participate in behaviors like I mentioned above.  A cool girl does not get jealous – she understands her own worth and that if her man has a friend that is a girl, she can trust him – and if she can’t trust him not to cheat, she doesn’t need him.  According to Christian Carter, a cool girl goes with the flow and rolls with the ;punches – and if she doesn’t like what is going on, she doesn’t need to make a big scene, she simply says “Hey, I’m outta here, I have other things I would rather be doing”.  There is no animosity or implied guilt there, it is justa simple statement of fact.

Here are some “Cool Girl” Do’s right from the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook (p 140).

• Don’t complain much or talk about  things that are impossible for anyone to solve given the current situation.
• Bring funny positive thoughts and feelings to situations.
• Don’t have to always be in control.
• Be willing to go with the flow when it comes to social things, but make assertions when they have opinions and ideas.
• Cool girls have options and things to do that keep them busy and content, so they don’t feel like they’re left out if they’re not invited to something.
• Cool girls don’t try and make a man do something if he says he doesn’t want to.
• According to Christian Carter, cool girls don’t require or ask too much from a man at any one time. They know there’s always tomorrow.
• Don’t require a man to always validate their emotions and ideas.

These are a few tips on what a cool girl does from the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook by Christian Carter.  There are tons more tips in there on this subject.  But do you see the overlying pattern here?  A “cool girl” in a relationship is easy to get along with, mature, not controlling and able to be her own person separate from her boyfriend.  These are traits that men LOVE when they are dating someone – and will literally have him saying to you, “You are different than anyone I have ever met before”.    Wouldn’t it be nice to hear that?  To be in a fulfilling, mutually beneficial, sane relationship without all the negative emotion and drama?  By transforming yourself into an emotionally mature woman, you can do your part in this – and realize that the other half of the relationship is up to him.

Dating Advice for Women – How To Bring Him Back When He Pulls Away

This time of year seems to be the peak time when women are seeking dating advice.   Some of the most common questions I get center around what to do if your man is pulling away – or what can I do to make him commit?  They may seem to be very different questions, but, if you think about it, they are pretty much the same question.  How do I draw my man closer to me?

You may be experiencing the same thing that millions of other women have experienced.  Your man is withdrawing, he seems vague, distant or just not as into the relationship as you would like him to be.  Maybe he seems angry, maybe not, but something just does not “feel right”.

So – being a woman, you naturally go into attention seeking or “vulnerable” mode, as has been bred into us since time immemorial.  You talk, you try to get him to talk, and you ask questions.  Maybe you get angry or hurt and you make sure he sees it.  Maybe you pout, pick fights, nag him and begin to get clingy and needy.

We will go into how wrong this all is in a minute, so hold on to that thought.

So your boyfriend or husband sees this behavior and freaks out because you are getting clingy and needy.  He freaks and withdraws even more, or leaves.  And then the cycle continues.

One thing I cannot stress enough to women when they ask for dating advice is that the “needy behavior” does NOT work.  You think, in our female logic, that if you display to him, in whatever form, that you need him and that he is hurting you – that he, being a man, will naturally want to “rescue you” and make it all better.  Right?  That’s the general gist.  BUT in REALITY that kind of behavior makes men RUN AWAY.

If he sees that behavior in you, his “NEEDY GIRL” alarms start flashing in his head like a bad strobe light and every fiber of his being will tell him to RUN the other way.

So what CAN a woman do that will make her beau come TOWARD her – toward commitment, to quit withdrawing?  Take a moment to imagine a picture with me, and you will see the answer for yourself.  Picture two lumberjacks.  A HUGE tree.  A two man saw.  Now, picture the lumberjacks picking up the two man saw, and cutting down the tree.  One man pushes, and the other one pulls back.  Then the other man pushes and the first man draws back.  When one leans toward the other, the other one HAS to pull back.  But if you lean back, the other one will come toward you.

So – what can you do to make him quit pulling back?  Lean back instead of forward.  Quit pushing.

Here is how to “lean back” (by the way, I learned this technique straight from Rori Raye in her fabulous dating advice eBook.  You should check it out!) When you find yourself getting worked up about something (let’s say you think he is being distant and uncommunicative tonight) you first have to RECOGNIZE your feelings and what they center on.  So whenever you start to feel negative emotion, stop and turn your eye inward for a moment and identify the cause.  Is he really being distant, or are you in a bad mood because someone made a snide remark to you at work today?

Second, simply FEEL what you are feeling.  Take a deep breath and close your eyes and let it come, really FEEL it.  It might hurt, it might be uncomfortable or it might feel good to really let yourself feel your emotion.  Don’t judge it, just feel it.

Now, what you will notice is the silence.  You have taken a few moments to effectively “ground” yourself, and in those moments, you did not talk, or push him.  And perhaps, in those moments, you will have come to SEE him clearly.  Maybe you see that he is just a PERSON who is dealing with something that may or may not have anything to do with you.

NOW, try to say something to HIM about what YOU are FEELING.  Don’t accuse him of anything – open up to him.  Say something like, “I feel very uncomfortable right now, uncomfortable with the silence and I am feeling disconnected from you.  Is there anything going on that I should know?”

This kind of communication tells HIM several things – you are mature enough to recognize and understand your OWN feelings, you are also mature enough not to ASSUME you know what HIS feelings are, you are courageous enough to speak up when you feel this way and want to correct it and you respect him enough to tackle it head on instead of using the normal methods most other women use.

From there, you can begin connecting with your man on a deeper level, leaning back to encourage him to lean forward and using words and statements that will pull him into you as a person instead of push him away with emotion.  Try this technique from Rori Raye and see how it works for you.  Check out her eBook, as well, Have the Relationship You Want, which gives you many more in depth tips and tools to use in order to get the closeness you have always wanted from your partner, whether you are just dating or have been married for 15 years.  It works!