Posts Tagged ‘dating advice for women’

Being Strong Enough to Stick To Your Guns – Dating Advice from Christian Carter

I wanted to share some dating advice with you all on a reader’s response to my article “Don’t Be His Friend” where I shared Christian Carter’s advice on how to avoid the “friends with benefits” trap.

Hello,

I was recently reading your article titled “Don’t be his friend.” I find myself in this situation where I have been seeing a guy for 4 months and I did all the wrong things which led us to have the “talk” where he told me wants us to be friends but still each other and do romantic things. We left things off in a friendly tone but I’ve been thinking about what I should do next…remain his “friend” or just quit talking to him but after reading your article I think I will follow your advice. I just have a quick question/comment: My fear in continuing to be his friend but cutting off any lunches, dinners or talking/hanging out is that he will just move on to someone else that will give him more of what he wants or perhaps someone better than me? In this case, what if he ends up in a relationship or invested in someone?? (even though he told me he didn’t want this with ME)  I might feel regret for not actually sticking around and would make me think….that could of been me! This happened to me in the past where I was seeing someone, they told me they did not want a relationship with me because they had just finished a relationship with someone and had ex-gf drama. I was on and off with him. Towards the end we were drifting apart although I still hoped for more with him but he met someone else and they have been together ever since. It made me feel as though I was lacking something, I did something wrong…or I didn’t play my cards right. Please help. I hope to hear some good advice from you!!

Thank you!!

First of all, I am very happy to know that you are seeing a pattern in your life and may be able to overcome it.  In addition, congratulations on being open to LEARNING new things about yourself and about your relationships – this is a vital aspect to being able to “Catch Him and Keep Him” as Christian Carter says – because so many times our old habits and ways of doing things are NOT working for us!

So, on to your question…what if he really DOES leave when I cut off the relationship after he says he wants to be friends?  Well, let me tell you what you NEED to hear in this case, rather than what you probably want to hear.  If he does – then so be it.  There is no guarantee in life that a man you are attracted to is going to be attracted back.  There are certainly things you can do to escalate the attraction and to encourage him to want you in that way.  However, if you have been overdoing, or chasing him, or pushing him in a way that brings your relationship to a point where he just wants to be friends, the problem is that he has lost his attraction for you, and it may NOT come back.

But this ok.  You have to be strong here, because you do not want to be a doormat for a man.  You want to be a strong, independent, powerful woman and Christian Carter emphasizes this when he tells you that you HAVE to love yourself first.  You have to be able to have fun doing things that YOU want to do instead of what a man wants to do.  Pamper yourself, make a date with yourself, go out and have fun being YOU and not being defined by your relationship.

You will learn from your mistakes, and what makes you think that this ONE man is the ONE man for you?  Have you been able to experience a healthy, mature relationship yet where the give and take is equal, where your feelings, your wants, your needs were heard and met?   Maybe you have, and maybe you have not, but my feeling is that you need to experience this, and regretting moving on is not the way to grow and expand yourself into the person you want to be.

Never let a man trample you.  Don’t let him rule you.  Don’t change yourself to be what he wants you to be.  If he left – it IS his loss.  You will find a more fulfilling and healthy relationship.  Check out my post on the blog about being the “cool girl” and learn things that you can do to escalate attraction and assert yourself within a relationship or dating setting.  And I hear the other readers saying “You go girl!” because you DO.

What Christian Carter Calls the “Danger of a Connection”

I received a request for dating advice from a reader in my inbox the other day, and really felt the urge to share this woman’s situation with my readers, because so many of us fall into this emotional trap when we begin to date a guy.  Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him calls this the “danger of a connection”, and it’s all about letting ourselves as women get overwhelmed by the emotion of a new relationship.

Here is the letter from my reader:

Hey Sarah –

Thanks for your letters, they actually have given me insight, however I have got a question about my boyfriend I just met 3 weeks ago. He only calls me at night and sometimes skips a day without calling. I felt so in love with him the first week and when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside. I want to ask him how he feel about me now but I don’t want to spoil it or looks like I m needy. How do I make him feel the same way I feel for him. Please help me I really need a serious commitment and really want to know if he is for me and if not how to move on, thanks again Sarah.

In need of dating advice,

Anonymous

Here is my answer to this struggling woman:

Dear Anonymous –

Thank you for writing to me with your dating problem.  I am going to give it to you straight here, because I believe that is what you need, and what people value about my dating advice.  Let’s examine what you have said here.

First of all, you have been dating this man for only three weeks, yet you fell “in love” with him in the first week.  That is a HUGE red flag here for several reasons.  First of all, if you are falling in love with someone that quickly, it is 9 times out of 10 lust and not love (or attraction) – which is not the basis for a lasting relationship.  You cannot possibly know this man (as you said, you don’t know what to say to him or how to read what he is thinking) so you cannot genuinely be in love with him.  So for your own good, let’s take a step back here and really try to evaluate what is happening.

I want to talk to you, specifically, about what Christian Carter says in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 55.  He titles this section “The Danger of a Connection”, and this is EXACTLY what is happening to you.   Christian Carter writes, “You’d be crazy to take the close relationship and love you want to find and gamble it away by betting on a guy whose greatest qualification is that he makes you feel attracted to him….For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard women talk about something they call “chemistry” or a “connection.” Women use these words to describe a feeling they have and then choose to attach their own meaning to it, without making sure the man feels the same way”.

This, it seems, is exactly what is happening to you.  You said “when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside”.

So, you are feeling like you are in a relationship (and after only a couple weeks, that is what is called an “instant relationship”, which not really a relationship at all, but a pseudo-relationship based on feelings of attraction and chemistry).  You don’t know if he is feeling the same way – which means in reality that he is NOT feeling the same way.

Christian carter says “The wiring men have inside doesn’t necessarily tie together that physical and chemical attraction with deeper long-term bonding elements the way it does so quickly for women.  Men have a range of responses with women they’re attracted to. Women are generally great at reading these attraction signals. Unfortunately, women aren’t good with two important skills:

1)  Identifying if he’s truly a quality future mate (above and beyond the “connection”)

2) Deciphering whether or not the energy, interactions, conversations, behaviors, and the mutual interests between the man and women can develop into a foundation for a strong relationship”.

So, there is a huge commonality in failed relationships – and that is that the “connection” or “chemistry” was the only thing the coupled shared in common.  Another way of saying this is that the “chemistry” you felt with him is no indicator of your relationship’s ability to survive, as it does not involve common interest, values, or even the ability to communicate well.

Don’t get me wrong, you DO have to have a good connection with a future mate.  HOWEVER, that connection MUST led to a keen ability to communicate with each other in a respectful and loving way – and already your relationship is showing evidence of a lack of communicative ability.

So – to recap – do not mistake your chemistry connection for a real relationship – it isn’t one.  Make sure you are not falling in the love with the IDEA of who he is, according to Christian Carter, instead of who he REALLY is – because you DO NOT know who he REALLY is after only a few weeks.  I think you need to step back from this relationship and take a good look inside YOURSELF and discover what it is you really want, and whether or not you are really ready for a relationship if you are falling for a guy so quickly.  You need to make sure that YOU are getting what YOU need in a relationship – love, understanding, commitment, respect and support.  You are worth waiting for those things, and you will be much happier in the end if you are choosy about the relationships you enter into.

All the best,

Sarah

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

Getting Men to Commit – Christian Carter’s Perspective

I frequently get questions like the one below about how to make your man commit to a relationship.  Well, ladies, here is the scoop – you can’t make him commit.  But, and Christian Carter says this all the time – you CAN make your boundaries clear, the consequences clear, stick to your guns and get what YOU want out of your dating life or your relationship.  Read on for more….

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Hi Sarah

Thank you for your emails & here is my question. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he still won’t commit. He says all the usual stuff, I don’t have time, I’m too busy, I don’t want a relationship with anyone blah blah blah – and I believed him – until – 2 weeks ago when I found out that when we were broken up last year for 4 months, he joined a dating agency, paid $2000 for a 6 month membership, went on dates with 6 girls, went on 2^nd dates with each of them, he wanted more from them but they didn’t want him – ha ha. I also found out that he wanted somebody younger, and he wants to have more kids ( I knew that) but he wants children with someone who doesn’t already have kids. When I found all this out I confronted him (I didn’t tell him how I found out) & he admitted that he did want a serious relationship last year. I can’t believe a word he says. Since then I have stopped being his ‘girlfriend’ (he keeps telling me he doesn’t want a girlfriend) & I have stopped doing everything. I don’t cook for him, have sex with him, help him with his problems  etc etc. He came over last night, annoyed that I hadn’t organized dinner (do you believe?) so he brought dinner with him. When we went to bed he tried to have sex with me & I said no – nicely. He kept trying I kept saying no. I said give me what I want & I’ll give you what you want. He kept saying, what do you want? And I kept saying you know what I want (he knows I want a relationship). Then he got really mad (do you believe?) and went to sleep. He woke up this morning at 6am and tried to leave at 6.30am (Sunday) I wasn’t happy of course and let him know it. He was still really angry this morning. Boo hoo – he’s had it too good for too long – he’s been spoiled. I have looked after him & his children, done everything – and two years on and no commitment in sight. So Sarah – my question is – what do I do? I don’t want to be with anyone else. He has his own business & does very well financially with that, he is a very good devoted father and has other good qualities. I have decided that if doesn’t commit to me by the end of May I am going to move away and I have told him that I am going to move away but he doesn’t know when. Please help.

Kind regards

A Loyal Reader

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Hi Loyal Reader –

First of all – let me commend you and say that you are on the right track with this.  He won’t commit to you, so it is perfectly fair for you to withhold sex from him and make yourself unavailable for the creature comforts he is looking for.  However, let me give you a little more direction on how to do this in a constructive and mature fashion.

Dating and relationships are never easy, especially when your boyfriend wants one thing and you want another.  This is where a lot of women go wrong, though, according to Christian Carter, and they react in a fashion that could be a little more mature and constructive.  So let’s go over what you are doing:

A) You have stopped having sex with him. Good job!  And I don’t mean that because it hurts him – I mean that because as a strong, confidant woman, you should not be having sex with ANYONE until and unless they agree to a log-term committed relationship with you.  It’s about self-respect, not hurting him.

B) You have stopped cooking for him and seeing to his other comforts.  Again – good!  But, you are doing this for the wrong reasons, or so it seems to me.  Christian Carter’s philosophy on dating and relationships is all about YOU and respecting yourself.  It seems to me that you are doing this to be hurtful to him because you are angry.  That’s not the right reason, and the effect is NOT the same.  You DO need to stop catering to him, absolutely!  However, you need to take care of YOURSELF in his stead.  You need to see to your needs – which includes – DATING OTHER MEN.

Notice I said DATING – not sleeping with – but conversing with, going out on dates, dinner, movies, fun times, to see who else is out there and to emphasize that if your boyfriend is not going to be committed to you, then you are not going to wait for him to make up his mind, you are going to go out and find what YOU want.

So – you need to stop being mad at him and showing that anger by pouting, giving him the silent treatment or other ways that we women tend to express ourselves.  We do that – by the way – because we think that if we SHOW him how angry we are and how hurt we are that he will actually SEE it (which half the time he doesn’t even see it, and the other half he has no idea what to do with it) and he will fix it.  No – if you want to show him that you are not going to put up with his unwillingness to commit to you – then do that by dating other men and seeing to your own needs in a mature and adult manner.

Thank you for writing in with your dating advice and relationship questions, I really appreciate it!  And in the words of Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him…

Best of luck in life and love,

Sarah