Posts Tagged ‘committment’

He Loves You – But He Does Not Want to Be Committed – Dating Advice from Christian Carter on Commitment

How many times in your dating life have you heard this – “I love you, but I don’t want to be committed”…”Its not you, its me”…”You are a great girl, but I don’t want to be tied down”??  Five?  Ten?  A MILLION?  Believe me ladies, we have ALL been there.  And it really stinks because you have no idea what he is REALLY saying.  How can he “love” you, but not want to be committed?  Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him has some pretty good ideas on this subject.

First, though, I want to share a recent question I got from one of my readers that inspired me to write this article…

“I met a guy and we became friends for about three months.  Then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.  Three weeks Later he said he loves me but does not want to be committed. What does he mean by, “I LOVE YOU BUT DONT WANT TO BE COMMITED?”

First of all, and before I answer, when you read her question, what do YOU think?  What d you think is happening in this relationship that has caused it to go off track so quickly?

Did she get needy?  Did he meet someone else?  Did he maybe never really love her in the first place?

Its hard to tell – because of course, we don’t know the whole story.  But let me review this – first, they were friends for several months.  This probably means that she REALLY liked him, and he was on the fence about it.  Why?  My first guess is the mechanics of attraction.

According to Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him, attraction is “not a choice”.  There are, however, some very fundamental elements to attraction – one of which, for men, is DO NOT CHASE HIM.  What do we do, as women, when we are attracted to a guy and he is not showing any real interest in us?  We chase.  We try to lure him in.  We overdo.  We put ourselves in his path, knowing that if he would just SEE how good we are, he could not help but love us.  And ladies, I am not being condescending or poking fun – because I HAVE BEEN THERE.  I have done all these things.

As women, we WANT to nurture.  That means we want to take care of him, and everyone, and this means that usually, we overextend this virtue by overdoing.   We go out of our way to do little things and think he will be SO appreciative.

But you know what?  He’s not.  And that does not mean he is a rude person.  It means he is a man.  Truthfully, Christian Carter says, most men do not WANT to be waited on, or have things done for them because it makes them feel OBLIGATED to do things in return.  No one likes to feel obligated.  It kills attraction.

So by overdoing, we are killing the attraction.  By chasing him, we are killing the attraction.  By being consistently available to him, we are …. Guess what?  Killing the attraction!

So what DO we do?  Well, if you want to PROMOTE attraction the Catch Him and Keep Him way (which works!) you will make yourself an IN DEMAND COMMODITY.  I’m not saying go sell yourself on a street corner here, either.  I am saying that you need to make HIM chase you. And how do you do that?  You make yourself less available.  You go have fun with your friends.  You make a date with YOURSELF and do something YOU want to do and don’t invite him.  So him that you are in control of your own life and that you are HAPPY and CONTENT, and while you may love to have him IN your life, he is NOT your life.

So, my advice to this reader is that I don’t know what happened, but I can GUESS that somehow, you chased him and it ended up killing the attraction.  So for the next guy that comes along, try doing things a little different, and don’t chase him.  In this way, according to Christian Carter, you WILL catch him and keep him.

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

Getting Men to Commit – Christian Carter’s Perspective

I frequently get questions like the one below about how to make your man commit to a relationship.  Well, ladies, here is the scoop – you can’t make him commit.  But, and Christian Carter says this all the time – you CAN make your boundaries clear, the consequences clear, stick to your guns and get what YOU want out of your dating life or your relationship.  Read on for more….

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Hi Sarah

Thank you for your emails & here is my question. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he still won’t commit. He says all the usual stuff, I don’t have time, I’m too busy, I don’t want a relationship with anyone blah blah blah – and I believed him – until – 2 weeks ago when I found out that when we were broken up last year for 4 months, he joined a dating agency, paid $2000 for a 6 month membership, went on dates with 6 girls, went on 2^nd dates with each of them, he wanted more from them but they didn’t want him – ha ha. I also found out that he wanted somebody younger, and he wants to have more kids ( I knew that) but he wants children with someone who doesn’t already have kids. When I found all this out I confronted him (I didn’t tell him how I found out) & he admitted that he did want a serious relationship last year. I can’t believe a word he says. Since then I have stopped being his ‘girlfriend’ (he keeps telling me he doesn’t want a girlfriend) & I have stopped doing everything. I don’t cook for him, have sex with him, help him with his problems  etc etc. He came over last night, annoyed that I hadn’t organized dinner (do you believe?) so he brought dinner with him. When we went to bed he tried to have sex with me & I said no – nicely. He kept trying I kept saying no. I said give me what I want & I’ll give you what you want. He kept saying, what do you want? And I kept saying you know what I want (he knows I want a relationship). Then he got really mad (do you believe?) and went to sleep. He woke up this morning at 6am and tried to leave at 6.30am (Sunday) I wasn’t happy of course and let him know it. He was still really angry this morning. Boo hoo – he’s had it too good for too long – he’s been spoiled. I have looked after him & his children, done everything – and two years on and no commitment in sight. So Sarah – my question is – what do I do? I don’t want to be with anyone else. He has his own business & does very well financially with that, he is a very good devoted father and has other good qualities. I have decided that if doesn’t commit to me by the end of May I am going to move away and I have told him that I am going to move away but he doesn’t know when. Please help.

Kind regards

A Loyal Reader

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Hi Loyal Reader –

First of all – let me commend you and say that you are on the right track with this.  He won’t commit to you, so it is perfectly fair for you to withhold sex from him and make yourself unavailable for the creature comforts he is looking for.  However, let me give you a little more direction on how to do this in a constructive and mature fashion.

Dating and relationships are never easy, especially when your boyfriend wants one thing and you want another.  This is where a lot of women go wrong, though, according to Christian Carter, and they react in a fashion that could be a little more mature and constructive.  So let’s go over what you are doing:

A) You have stopped having sex with him. Good job!  And I don’t mean that because it hurts him – I mean that because as a strong, confidant woman, you should not be having sex with ANYONE until and unless they agree to a log-term committed relationship with you.  It’s about self-respect, not hurting him.

B) You have stopped cooking for him and seeing to his other comforts.  Again – good!  But, you are doing this for the wrong reasons, or so it seems to me.  Christian Carter’s philosophy on dating and relationships is all about YOU and respecting yourself.  It seems to me that you are doing this to be hurtful to him because you are angry.  That’s not the right reason, and the effect is NOT the same.  You DO need to stop catering to him, absolutely!  However, you need to take care of YOURSELF in his stead.  You need to see to your needs – which includes – DATING OTHER MEN.

Notice I said DATING – not sleeping with – but conversing with, going out on dates, dinner, movies, fun times, to see who else is out there and to emphasize that if your boyfriend is not going to be committed to you, then you are not going to wait for him to make up his mind, you are going to go out and find what YOU want.

So – you need to stop being mad at him and showing that anger by pouting, giving him the silent treatment or other ways that we women tend to express ourselves.  We do that – by the way – because we think that if we SHOW him how angry we are and how hurt we are that he will actually SEE it (which half the time he doesn’t even see it, and the other half he has no idea what to do with it) and he will fix it.  No – if you want to show him that you are not going to put up with his unwillingness to commit to you – then do that by dating other men and seeing to your own needs in a mature and adult manner.

Thank you for writing in with your dating advice and relationship questions, I really appreciate it!  And in the words of Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him…

Best of luck in life and love,

Sarah