Posts Tagged ‘catch him and keep him’

Being Strong Enough to Stick To Your Guns – Dating Advice from Christian Carter

I wanted to share some dating advice with you all on a reader’s response to my article “Don’t Be His Friend” where I shared Christian Carter’s advice on how to avoid the “friends with benefits” trap.

Hello,

I was recently reading your article titled “Don’t be his friend.” I find myself in this situation where I have been seeing a guy for 4 months and I did all the wrong things which led us to have the “talk” where he told me wants us to be friends but still each other and do romantic things. We left things off in a friendly tone but I’ve been thinking about what I should do next…remain his “friend” or just quit talking to him but after reading your article I think I will follow your advice. I just have a quick question/comment: My fear in continuing to be his friend but cutting off any lunches, dinners or talking/hanging out is that he will just move on to someone else that will give him more of what he wants or perhaps someone better than me? In this case, what if he ends up in a relationship or invested in someone?? (even though he told me he didn’t want this with ME)  I might feel regret for not actually sticking around and would make me think….that could of been me! This happened to me in the past where I was seeing someone, they told me they did not want a relationship with me because they had just finished a relationship with someone and had ex-gf drama. I was on and off with him. Towards the end we were drifting apart although I still hoped for more with him but he met someone else and they have been together ever since. It made me feel as though I was lacking something, I did something wrong…or I didn’t play my cards right. Please help. I hope to hear some good advice from you!!

Thank you!!

First of all, I am very happy to know that you are seeing a pattern in your life and may be able to overcome it.  In addition, congratulations on being open to LEARNING new things about yourself and about your relationships – this is a vital aspect to being able to “Catch Him and Keep Him” as Christian Carter says – because so many times our old habits and ways of doing things are NOT working for us!

So, on to your question…what if he really DOES leave when I cut off the relationship after he says he wants to be friends?  Well, let me tell you what you NEED to hear in this case, rather than what you probably want to hear.  If he does – then so be it.  There is no guarantee in life that a man you are attracted to is going to be attracted back.  There are certainly things you can do to escalate the attraction and to encourage him to want you in that way.  However, if you have been overdoing, or chasing him, or pushing him in a way that brings your relationship to a point where he just wants to be friends, the problem is that he has lost his attraction for you, and it may NOT come back.

But this ok.  You have to be strong here, because you do not want to be a doormat for a man.  You want to be a strong, independent, powerful woman and Christian Carter emphasizes this when he tells you that you HAVE to love yourself first.  You have to be able to have fun doing things that YOU want to do instead of what a man wants to do.  Pamper yourself, make a date with yourself, go out and have fun being YOU and not being defined by your relationship.

You will learn from your mistakes, and what makes you think that this ONE man is the ONE man for you?  Have you been able to experience a healthy, mature relationship yet where the give and take is equal, where your feelings, your wants, your needs were heard and met?   Maybe you have, and maybe you have not, but my feeling is that you need to experience this, and regretting moving on is not the way to grow and expand yourself into the person you want to be.

Never let a man trample you.  Don’t let him rule you.  Don’t change yourself to be what he wants you to be.  If he left – it IS his loss.  You will find a more fulfilling and healthy relationship.  Check out my post on the blog about being the “cool girl” and learn things that you can do to escalate attraction and assert yourself within a relationship or dating setting.  And I hear the other readers saying “You go girl!” because you DO.

He Loves You – But He Does Not Want to Be Committed – Dating Advice from Christian Carter on Commitment

How many times in your dating life have you heard this – “I love you, but I don’t want to be committed”…”Its not you, its me”…”You are a great girl, but I don’t want to be tied down”??  Five?  Ten?  A MILLION?  Believe me ladies, we have ALL been there.  And it really stinks because you have no idea what he is REALLY saying.  How can he “love” you, but not want to be committed?  Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him has some pretty good ideas on this subject.

First, though, I want to share a recent question I got from one of my readers that inspired me to write this article…

“I met a guy and we became friends for about three months.  Then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.  Three weeks Later he said he loves me but does not want to be committed. What does he mean by, “I LOVE YOU BUT DONT WANT TO BE COMMITED?”

First of all, and before I answer, when you read her question, what do YOU think?  What d you think is happening in this relationship that has caused it to go off track so quickly?

Did she get needy?  Did he meet someone else?  Did he maybe never really love her in the first place?

Its hard to tell – because of course, we don’t know the whole story.  But let me review this – first, they were friends for several months.  This probably means that she REALLY liked him, and he was on the fence about it.  Why?  My first guess is the mechanics of attraction.

According to Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him, attraction is “not a choice”.  There are, however, some very fundamental elements to attraction – one of which, for men, is DO NOT CHASE HIM.  What do we do, as women, when we are attracted to a guy and he is not showing any real interest in us?  We chase.  We try to lure him in.  We overdo.  We put ourselves in his path, knowing that if he would just SEE how good we are, he could not help but love us.  And ladies, I am not being condescending or poking fun – because I HAVE BEEN THERE.  I have done all these things.

As women, we WANT to nurture.  That means we want to take care of him, and everyone, and this means that usually, we overextend this virtue by overdoing.   We go out of our way to do little things and think he will be SO appreciative.

But you know what?  He’s not.  And that does not mean he is a rude person.  It means he is a man.  Truthfully, Christian Carter says, most men do not WANT to be waited on, or have things done for them because it makes them feel OBLIGATED to do things in return.  No one likes to feel obligated.  It kills attraction.

So by overdoing, we are killing the attraction.  By chasing him, we are killing the attraction.  By being consistently available to him, we are …. Guess what?  Killing the attraction!

So what DO we do?  Well, if you want to PROMOTE attraction the Catch Him and Keep Him way (which works!) you will make yourself an IN DEMAND COMMODITY.  I’m not saying go sell yourself on a street corner here, either.  I am saying that you need to make HIM chase you. And how do you do that?  You make yourself less available.  You go have fun with your friends.  You make a date with YOURSELF and do something YOU want to do and don’t invite him.  So him that you are in control of your own life and that you are HAPPY and CONTENT, and while you may love to have him IN your life, he is NOT your life.

So, my advice to this reader is that I don’t know what happened, but I can GUESS that somehow, you chased him and it ended up killing the attraction.  So for the next guy that comes along, try doing things a little different, and don’t chase him.  In this way, according to Christian Carter, you WILL catch him and keep him.

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

The Natural Process of Attraction According to Christian Carter – Don’t Chase Him!

Getting your ex back or getting that spark back into your relationship is a hot topic, and one that Christian Carter addresses when he tells his readers that attraction is not a CHOICE.  Many times, attraction for a man is built or maintained by your actions and your attitude, not your looks.  Similarly, when you are trying to get an ex back, your actions in trying to get him back may be what keeps him away – exactly the opposite of what you intend, of course, but often times the intuitive things we have learned as women, according to Christian Carter, are exactly the opposite of the things that really WORK.

Here is one reader’s question on getting her ex back…

How do I know if it was me or him? It’s been over a year since he left our marriage I’ve been in a lot if counseling.   Of course I had my flaws but I’m also a good catch maybe it was his commitment issues? I love him so much I’ve tried everything he just isn’t in to me – and I’m wearing down and very lonely! Many men would be proud to have me, every day I get hit on.   But he looks right thru me.  What should I do?  Give up?

*S*

Dear *S* -

I feel your pain when you are talking about your ex.  I am afraid, however, from your email, that you are overdoing and trying too hard.  This kind of behavior is exactly what drives a man away from a relationship and kills attraction for him.

You see, when you pursue a man in this manner, you are really going against the “natural selection” mode – because in nature, it is the female who actually chooses the mate – the male has to vie for her attention, and if he is lucky, he is chosen.  This is the basis for the courtship rituals in countless species (you can read more on this on page 39 in Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook).

So, if you are working on trying to get him back, essentially, trying to make HIM choose YOU, you are going against the grain of the man.  You need to lean back, metaphorically speaking, and allow him to be the one to pursue you.

You may be thinking, how will he know I am interested if I quit showing him?  You can give a man signals of interest without bludgeoning him over the head with them.  You can use your eyes, body language, etc to show him that you are open to receiving his advances.  It’s easier, however, to do this with a “new” man than to use it to try to get an ex back, especially if you have been pursuing him in one way or another for the last year.

S, for you, knowing that you have been married to this man, and have been actively trying to get him back, I believe it is time for you to walk away.  He is probably feeling hunted, wary, or simply tired of fielding the emotional volley from you after all this time.  It’s time to show HIM that you have other men to spend your time on and other things to do rather than sitting there pining after him.  Maybe he will realize, after you pull the proverbial rug out from under his feet, that he DOES need you and want you.  At that point, you continue to SHOW him that you are very capable of being happy on your own and not dependent upon him for your satisfaction in life.  This is something that I agree with Christian Carter on 100% – you HAVE to be able to be happy on your own before you can ever be really happy in a partnership.  And there is also the very real possibility that your ex will not respond – in which case – don’t you think it is much healthier to pursue your own happiness rather than try to keep a flame alive that is only being carried on one end?  It may seem harsh, but you have to respect yourself enough to walk away when its time.  Don’t demean yourself by pursuing someone who is not interested.  As you said yourself, you are a catch, and if he doesn’t realize him, then it is HIS loss.  Capitalize on that and find someone who will appreciate your value.

Love,

Sarah