A key aspect in the success of a relationship, according to Rori Raye, is the balance of the feminine and masculine energy. One way that we, as women, drive a relationship into imbalance is by overfunctioning within the relationship. Put very simply, overfunctioning is doing too much. Rori Raye talks about this in the Have the Relationship You Want eBook, and I would like to share some key insights with you here today.
First, let’s define overfunctioning. Overfunctioning is a term coined by Rori Raye, and it basically means doing more than your fair share. Its “doing other family members’ work, and helping where no
help is needed. It’s stepping in when you know you could do a better job, stepping up to rescue someone, jumping in to save the situation” (Rori Raye, p 116). Doing this, doing too much, will actually deprive your MAN of his ability to be the masculine partner, because surprisingly, the nurturing in the relationship is a masculine energy, and not a feminine energy.
By taking all these things on, we make it actually unrewarding for men to act like men, and
they become lazy and complacent and vaguely resentful and then, they quit trying to make us happy. “They opt out of Masculinity, hand it over to us, and let us do it all” (Rori Raye, p 117). And how many of us, as women, FEEL like we are doing it all and WISH that the man in our lives would step up and take some of the burden? Well, more than likely, we created this situation by essentially emasculating our men by over-doing and overfunctioning.
The real eye opener for me, though, was learning how nurturing is actually a masculine energy. It seems counterintuitive, right? I mean, really, we as women – moms, wives, girlfriends – we live to give love, to grow our children and help out. But, nurturing is about DOING things, giving things, and literally giving your energy away. And as we know from previous discussions (see my blog if you did not read them), when you give energy out, that is a masculine action.
“Feeling compassion, connection, love, sensual delight in the way your baby feels to your touch, excitement at the way your lover feels to your touch – is completely different from reaching over and picking the baby up when it cries, from driving the kids to school, from reaching over and massaging your husband or boyfriend’s back when he never massages yours, from starting the conversation with a man you’ve never met because he seems too shy to take the first step, from soothing a man when his feelings are hurt by you or anyone else” (Rori Raye, p 117). But feeling things is completely different from doing things. And, allow me to say that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing because we are all a MIXTURE of the female and male energies is a relationship. Where the trouble lies is when we, as women, who should be in the feminine energy, take OVER the masculine energy by doing TOO MUCH.
Do you understand what I am saying? When we are functioning in a balanced way, we have the fluidity of movement between masculine and feminine energies. But, when we overfunction, we get literally STUCK in the masculine energy. And that leads to overbalance, and leads your man to have no recourse because you have taken HIS role in the relationship.
Let’s not get confused here, though, because we cannot confuse being loving with nurturing. “We completely miss the joy of loving our men by experiencing them. Experiencing men, like experiencing a sunset, or a walk in the forest, or a work of art, or childbirth, or rain, or sex requires that we let go of the urge to Do” (Rori Raye, p 117). EXEPERIENCING these things is different than DOING these things, like taking pictures of the sunset is different than simply experiencing it. Taking a hike in the forest for exercise is different than simply EXPERIENCING what the forest has to offer you.
So try simply experiencing things – take a small moment and go outside, sit in the sunshine and experience the day. Feel the sun on your skin, the breeze in your hair, notice the smells and the sounds and the experience of it all. Don’t analyze it, judge it, assimilate it, just FEEL it. Do that until you get GOOD at it. Then start trying to do this in your relationship. Just EXPERIENCE it at times instead of fixing it.
When you are directing your masculine energy of nurturing toward your man, you may be making him feel like you are mothering him, and men don’t like that or want that. That makes you seem judgmental and apart from them. Instead, give him some attention and love, but don’t treat him like something that needs fixed. So stop overfunctioning – stop doing everything and give him the room to take it over. Instead, step back and start being cherished for what you are. This is what your husband or boyfriend wants – to love you for who and what you are.
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I frequently get questions like the one below about how to make your man commit to a relationship. Well, ladies, here is the scoop – you can’t make him commit. But, and Christian Carter says this all the time – you CAN make your boundaries clear, the consequences clear, stick to your guns and get what YOU want out of your dating life or your relationship. Read on for more….
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Hi Sarah
Thank you for your emails & here is my question. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he still won’t commit. He says all the usual stuff, I don’t have time, I’m too busy, I don’t want a relationship with anyone blah blah blah – and I believed him – until – 2 weeks ago when I found out that when we were broken up last year for 4 months, he joined a dating agency, paid $2000 for a 6 month membership, went on dates with 6 girls, went on 2nd dates with each of them, he wanted more from them but they didn’t want him – ha ha. I also found out that he wanted somebody younger, and he wants to have more kids ( I knew that) but he wants children with someone who doesn’t already have kids. When I found all this out I confronted him (I didn’t tell him how I found out) & he admitted that he did want a serious relationship last year. I can’t believe a word he says. Since then I have stopped being his ‘girlfriend’ (he keeps telling me he doesn’t want a girlfriend) & I have stopped doing everything. I don’t cook for him, have sex with him, help him with his problems etc etc. He came over last night, annoyed that I hadn’t organized dinner (do you believe?) so he brought dinner with him. When we went to bed he tried to have sex with me & I said no – nicely. He kept trying I kept saying no. I said give me what I want & I’ll give you what you want. He kept saying, what do you want? And I kept saying you know what I want (he knows I want a relationship). Then he got really mad (do you believe?) and went to sleep. He woke up this morning at 6am and tried to leave at 6.30am (Sunday) I wasn’t happy of course and let him know it. He was still really angry this morning. Boo hoo – he’s had it too good for too long – he’s been spoiled. I have looked after him & his children, done everything – and two years on and no commitment in sight. So Sarah – my question is – what do I do? I don’t want to be with anyone else. He has his own business & does very well financially with that, he is a very good devoted father and has other good qualities. I have decided that if doesn’t commit to me by the end of May I am going to move away and I have told him that I am going to move away but he doesn’t know when. Please help.
Kind regards
A Loyal Reader
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Hi Loyal Reader –
First of all – let me commend you and say that you are on the right track with this. He won’t commit to you, so it is perfectly fair for you to withhold sex from him and make yourself unavailable for the creature comforts he is looking for. However, let me give you a little more direction on how to do this in a constructive and mature fashion.
Dating and relationships are never easy, especially when your boyfriend wants one thing and you want another. This is where a lot of women go wrong, though, according to Christian Carter, and they react in a fashion that could be a little more mature and constructive. So let’s go over what you are doing:
A) You have stopped having sex with him. Good job! And I don’t mean that because it hurts him – I mean that because as a strong, confidant woman, you should not be having sex with ANYONE until and unless they agree to a log-term committed relationship with you. It’s about self-respect, not hurting him.
B) You have stopped cooking for him and seeing to his other comforts. Again – good! But, you are doing this for the wrong reasons, or so it seems to me. Christian Carter’s philosophy on dating and relationships is all about YOU and respecting yourself. It seems to me that you are doing this to be hurtful to him because you are angry. That’s not the right reason, and the effect is NOT the same. You DO need to stop catering to him, absolutely! However, you need to take care of YOURSELF in his stead. You need to see to your needs – which includes – DATING OTHER MEN.
Notice I said DATING – not sleeping with – but conversing with, going out on dates, dinner, movies, fun times, to see who else is out there and to emphasize that if your boyfriend is not going to be committed to you, then you are not going to wait for him to make up his mind, you are going to go out and find what YOU want.
So – you need to stop being mad at him and showing that anger by pouting, giving him the silent treatment or other ways that we women tend to express ourselves. We do that – by the way – because we think that if we SHOW him how angry we are and how hurt we are that he will actually SEE it (which half the time he doesn’t even see it, and the other half he has no idea what to do with it) and he will fix it. No – if you want to show him that you are not going to put up with his unwillingness to commit to you – then do that by dating other men and seeing to your own needs in a mature and adult manner.
Thank you for writing in with your dating advice and relationship questions, I really appreciate it! And in the words of Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him…
Best of luck in life and love,
Sarah
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One of the hardest kinds of dating and relationship advice to give is the kind of advice that tells a person something they may not want to hear. Christian Carter tackles this many times in the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook and so does Rori Raye in the Have the Relationship You Want eBook. Both use tact, caring and a firm hand to try to help guide women from hurtful behaviors to the ability to have a mature and meaningful relationship.
It’s difficult for me, as well, when I get emails from my subscribers that tell me about behaviors and events that just break my heart. One such email is below, and I ask you all to extend your empathy and strength to this woman as she goes through a difficult time. Remember, too, that when you are too close to a situation, it is often times very difficult to see it for what it really is…
Hey, Sarah
I have already broken up with my ex for almost 5 months, but we still keep in touch and sometimes have physical relations. At the beginning I can’t get out from this kind relationship, but after several months, I feel more comfortable than before, I just be myself and if I want to see him I just call him if don’t, I just focus on my own life.
After we broke up, I dated other guys, but not very serious. But recently I met a guy who really wanted to start a serious relationship with me. My ex found out and he got anxious. But after he saw that I have no chemistry with that guy, he went back to normal. Now I have strong feeling that I want to get my ex back, cause after seeing a lot of guys, I found out its super hard to find a guy I will have feelings about. And 2 weeks later is his birthday, I am not sure I should get him a gift ($500 watch he wants for a long time) or not! I need your help!!!
My reply to this woman follows:
Dear Z -
Thank you so much for writing in. I know I dropped you a line earlier today that told you under no circumstance were you to buy this man a gift, and that I would address the rest of your letter as soon as I could. Well, now is the time, and this is going to be a little bit of tough love, dear, Christian Carter style.
You need to drop this man like a poisonous snake. He is using you to get physical gratification and you are letting him get away with satisfying his needs but not meeting your own.
I am quoting this directly from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook (page 47), “A man can easily change his mind about a woman. He can very easily go from seeing a woman as “Relationship Material” to someone he’s just dating until the right one comes along. But…
It’s extremely difficult for a man to consider a woman for a real relationship when she started out as just a “casual girl.” In other words, don’t EVER start off as the “casual girl” if you want the option of a full and committed relationship in the future. If a relationship is what you’re after, you have to be “girlfriend material” and make sure that you are clear FROM THE START that the only way you’ll be with him is for a relationship, not for something casual. Some women think they can catch a guy and keep him interested by being sexy and luring him in with the physical aspects of intimacy. An example of this is the “friends with benefits” approach. These women think they’re taking the quick and easy road by playing things so casually. Secretly, they believe that he’ll become interested and fall for her once he realizes how special their connection is”.
As Christian Carter continues on, he tells his readers that this approach just plain DOES NOT WORK. Men do not see relationships the same way as women do, and if you give in to him this way, he is going to break your heart.
So what DO you do? You tell him that you are done with this. In a calm, cool and very mature way, tell him simply that you are worth more than just a romp in the hay to any man, and that you are not going to continue to fulfill his needs while ignoring your own. Then tell him simply that you wish him the best and that you are going to go date other people. Do not give him the option to change. Do not give him the option to be your boyfriend again. Just end the conversation and walk out of his life.
And then - here is the very important part. YOU DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO. And like Christian Carter says, be strong enough to respect yourself enough NOT to get intimate with another man until he has committed to you.
And what if your current boyfriend decides to change his evil ways? Sure – date him, but do not become intimate with him again either until he has fully and completely committed to you. And feel free to date more than one guy at the same time! Don’t be sneaky – tell them, and tell them that you will not be intimate with anyone either. This is called Circular Dating, and Rori Raye recommends it in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook. And this type of dating puts YOU in control of the selection process.
You WILL find someone worth your time and your heart. But you have to do your part and respect yourself enough to wait for it. Christian Carter always ends his emails with “Best of luck in life and love” and I share this sentiment with you. Be strong and you will be blessed with love and happiness!
Love,
Sarah
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