I have purchased and read the book “catch him and keep him” by Christian Carter. My question for you is………I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month. We (he especially) started off very strong while talking/texting before ever actually meeting. We felt such a connection with each other. Even after our first encounter he was able to say he loved me and saw me as a fixture in his future. After our second date (yes, I slept with him) his communication wasn’t what he professes it would be. We see each other approx. once a week and in-between those times he just texts. Always includes he misses me with xoxo’s and says he loves me. When asked if he is seeing me just for sex, he stated “no” and that we have so much more than that. I don’t understand these words but yet his lack of communication. I feel I’m being naive and that this man has filled me with lies. I finally let my guard down and allowed someone to convince me that he “loved” me and saw me in his future. We stressed “honesty”. I don’t contact him as discussed in the book. I wait for him to contact me. I can’t play this game anymore. If someone is truly interested in you wouldn’t they by nature want to be in contact with you. I have been hurt so many times before and don’t think I can take it again. Should I go ahead and approach him? I’ve acted and done everything the book said and nothing is working.

~B

Dear B-

Thank you for writing in with your dating advice question.  I am really glad that you have purchased Catch Him and Keep Him by Christian Carter, but I think that there may be a few sections that you need to go back and read through again, and take a few moments to really digest.

First of all, you have only been seeing this man for a little over a month.  This is truly what Christian Carter calls an “instant relationship”.  You and this young man have been overwhelmed by the feeling of “falling in love”, the initial chemistry, which is powerful and moving – but also deadly.  It seems that you have gotten past that initial stage possibly, and are starting to realize that there really is little there to go on beside that initial attraction.  In just a few short weeks, you cannot possibly know each other well enough to proclaim that you love each other.  Love takes time, and WORK to build – and the feelings that you two have are pseudo-love.  Not the real thing.

The fact that you have slept with him already is not helping these intense feelings.  Check out page 52 of Catch Him and Keep Him.  Christian calls this a real danger zone for women in the beginning of a relationship because for women, this has genuine attachment to emotion but for men, it does not.   You will also want to check out chapter 3 on relationships and different kinds of attraction.

Honestly, B, the problem you are facing here is that this relationship has gone way too quickly, and that you are focused on this one man.  Instead, you should be dating other men, not sleeping with any of them, letting them pursue you and not committing to ANYONE until you find the man that gives you what YOU want consistently and over time.  I don’t think this man has really let you down, I think that you put too much emphasis on him too fast, and that you are finding that he is not what you thought he was because of that.  You may have had fantasies and ideals, or simply placed too much stock in the feelings of initial attraction and in the instant relationship trap.

So what do you do now?  You move on.  You re-read the ebook and really LOOK into your life, see what your triggers are and discover your patterns.  Make a vow not to commit to a man for a minimum of 6 months and focus on you and what you want, and on dating men without the pressure of a relationship.  Once you can really educate yourself on how your reactions depend on your emotions, and you realize that you can be happy and fulfilled without a man to do it FOR you, then you will be ready to make a commitment to someone who will truly reciprocate.

~N. South Africa

Dear N –

Thank you so much for writing in with your dating advice question.  There are a few red flags that I see immediately with your questions.  First of all, you tell me that there are things that you do not like about him.  Of course, no one is perfect, but these things seem to be bothering you at a very fundamental level – and if that is the case, it may be time to move on.

What you are expressing to me in your letter is what Christian Carter would call a fairly basic love need.  You express to me that you …

•    Need public displays of affection
•    Need a man who is willing to show you love with acts of service (i.e. waking you up)
•    Want a commitment
•    Want openness and honesty in your relationship

Let’s address these point by point.

First – you want public displays of affection.  According to Dr. Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages (a great read, I highly recommend it), this tells me that one of your primary love languages, or the way you best like to receive love and give love, is physical touch.  Just because your man is not giving you that right now does not mean that he will NOT do it in the future, if you can explain to him that you need this in order to feel loved.  However, it seems that his ideals of masculinity may get in the way of this from your statement about him being a “real, South African man”.   However, I wholly concur with many dating advice experts, including Christian Carter, who emphasize the point that you cannot go into a relationship expecting to change someone.  If your man WANTS to change in order to make you feel more loved, he may do it, but if YOU want HIM to change so you can feel more love, then it is not going to work.  HE has to want the change.

Secondly, you want a man who is able to show you love with acts of service.  Again, drawing from Dr. Chapman’s teachings, acts of service may be your second love language.  (Everyone has two).  This means that you feel love when people do things for you, like waking you up or maybe helping with chores around the house, etc.  If you are dating a man who looks at things like this as un-masculine, you may encounter a problem.

Now, for both of these issues, you may want to try to help your man to understand your love languages by encouraging him when he does something RIGHT.  For instance, if he holds your hand in public for a minute, tell him how good it makes you feel when he does something like that.  If he does an act of service for you, tell him how much you appreciate it and how it makes you feel cared for.  In other words, catch him doing things RIGHT and praise him for it.  It may take a bit, but if he is an open man, he will eventually understand it and start doing more of those things to make you happy.  Just don’t QUIT telling him how happy it makes you!

The third point, that you want a commitment, may be the tough one.  Christian Carter, author of Catch Him and Keep Him and Rori Raye, author of Have the Relationship You Want, both emphasize that they want to a commitment is through NON COMMITMENT in the dating arena.  Rori Raye actually calls this “Circular Dating”.  In other words, you do NOT commit to a man, you date other men, until one of them gives you the level of commitment you want in your relationship.

This is an unconventional approach to dating, I know.  Most of us, as women, find a guy and we want to get committed, we want that exclusivity in dating.  But what does that DO to the mechanics of the relationship?  Well, once he has your commitment, he no longer needs to chase you or work at getting you.  If you remain uncommitted to him, though, he HAS to keep working at it until he finally gets the PRIZE, which is YOU.  For more on this, check out Rori Raye’s or Christian Carter’s eBooks.

The fourth point you made is that you want openness and honesty in your relationship.  This is CRITICAL.  If he is not being honest with you, or you feel he is hiding something, tell him that.  And here is how you do it in a non-confrontational way.  Simply say to him, “Joe, I really feel that there are things that you are intentionally keeping from me.  I am not asking you to divulge all your secrets, or even reveal anything to me that you may be keeping hidden.  What I am saying, however, is that if I cannot feel complete trust for you, I cannot carry on in a relationship where trust is paramount”.  IF he responds to that, continue using “I feel” statements to answer him.  “That makes me feel (angry, frustrated, sad)”.  Do not accuse him, but do not accept anything less than what you wanted to get.  And be prepared to follow through with your actions.  If you feel he is not being honest, pull back and disconnect until he is ready to be open with you.

Dating is hard – especially when things may not be going smoothly.  But in seeking answers to your dating advice questions, you are doing the right thing.  Continue to educate yourself on relationships and dating, and do not be afraid to take advantage of experts like Christian Carter and the materials they provide to women.

Good luck to you!

Sarah

Hello,

I was recently reading your article titled “Don’t be his friend.” I find myself in this situation where I have been seeing a guy for 4 months and I did all the wrong things which led us to have the “talk” where he told me wants us to be friends but still each other and do romantic things. We left things off in a friendly tone but I’ve been thinking about what I should do next…remain his “friend” or just quit talking to him but after reading your article I think I will follow your advice. I just have a quick question/comment: My fear in continuing to be his friend but cutting off any lunches, dinners or talking/hanging out is that he will just move on to someone else that will give him more of what he wants or perhaps someone better than me? In this case, what if he ends up in a relationship or invested in someone?? (even though he told me he didn’t want this with ME)  I might feel regret for not actually sticking around and would make me think….that could of been me! This happened to me in the past where I was seeing someone, they told me they did not want a relationship with me because they had just finished a relationship with someone and had ex-gf drama. I was on and off with him. Towards the end we were drifting apart although I still hoped for more with him but he met someone else and they have been together ever since. It made me feel as though I was lacking something, I did something wrong…or I didn’t play my cards right. Please help. I hope to hear some good advice from you!!

Thank you!!

First of all, I am very happy to know that you are seeing a pattern in your life and may be able to overcome it.  In addition, congratulations on being open to LEARNING new things about yourself and about your relationships – this is a vital aspect to being able to “Catch Him and Keep Him” as Christian Carter says – because so many times our old habits and ways of doing things are NOT working for us!

So, on to your question…what if he really DOES leave when I cut off the relationship after he says he wants to be friends?  Well, let me tell you what you NEED to hear in this case, rather than what you probably want to hear.  If he does – then so be it.  There is no guarantee in life that a man you are attracted to is going to be attracted back.  There are certainly things you can do to escalate the attraction and to encourage him to want you in that way.  However, if you have been overdoing, or chasing him, or pushing him in a way that brings your relationship to a point where he just wants to be friends, the problem is that he has lost his attraction for you, and it may NOT come back.

But this ok.  You have to be strong here, because you do not want to be a doormat for a man.  You want to be a strong, independent, powerful woman and Christian Carter emphasizes this when he tells you that you HAVE to love yourself first.  You have to be able to have fun doing things that YOU want to do instead of what a man wants to do.  Pamper yourself, make a date with yourself, go out and have fun being YOU and not being defined by your relationship.

You will learn from your mistakes, and what makes you think that this ONE man is the ONE man for you?  Have you been able to experience a healthy, mature relationship yet where the give and take is equal, where your feelings, your wants, your needs were heard and met?   Maybe you have, and maybe you have not, but my feeling is that you need to experience this, and regretting moving on is not the way to grow and expand yourself into the person you want to be.

Never let a man trample you.  Don’t let him rule you.  Don’t change yourself to be what he wants you to be.  If he left – it IS his loss.  You will find a more fulfilling and healthy relationship.  Check out my post on the blog about being the “cool girl” and learn things that you can do to escalate attraction and assert yourself within a relationship or dating setting.  And I hear the other readers saying “You go girl!” because you DO.

First, though, I want to share a recent question I got from one of my readers that inspired me to write this article…

“I met a guy and we became friends for about three months.  Then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.  Three weeks Later he said he loves me but does not want to be committed. What does he mean by, “I LOVE YOU BUT DONT WANT TO BE COMMITED?”

First of all, and before I answer, when you read her question, what do YOU think?  What d you think is happening in this relationship that has caused it to go off track so quickly?

Did she get needy?  Did he meet someone else?  Did he maybe never really love her in the first place?

Its hard to tell – because of course, we don’t know the whole story.  But let me review this – first, they were friends for several months.  This probably means that she REALLY liked him, and he was on the fence about it.  Why?  My first guess is the mechanics of attraction.

According to Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him, attraction is “not a choice”.  There are, however, some very fundamental elements to attraction – one of which, for men, is DO NOT CHASE HIM.  What do we do, as women, when we are attracted to a guy and he is not showing any real interest in us?  We chase.  We try to lure him in.  We overdo.  We put ourselves in his path, knowing that if he would just SEE how good we are, he could not help but love us.  And ladies, I am not being condescending or poking fun – because I HAVE BEEN THERE.  I have done all these things.

As women, we WANT to nurture.  That means we want to take care of him, and everyone, and this means that usually, we overextend this virtue by overdoing.   We go out of our way to do little things and think he will be SO appreciative.

But you know what?  He’s not.  And that does not mean he is a rude person.  It means he is a man.  Truthfully, Christian Carter says, most men do not WANT to be waited on, or have things done for them because it makes them feel OBLIGATED to do things in return.  No one likes to feel obligated.  It kills attraction.

So by overdoing, we are killing the attraction.  By chasing him, we are killing the attraction.  By being consistently available to him, we are …. Guess what?  Killing the attraction!

So what DO we do?  Well, if you want to PROMOTE attraction the Catch Him and Keep Him way (which works!) you will make yourself an IN DEMAND COMMODITY.  I’m not saying go sell yourself on a street corner here, either.  I am saying that you need to make HIM chase you. And how do you do that?  You make yourself less available.  You go have fun with your friends.  You make a date with YOURSELF and do something YOU want to do and don’t invite him.  So him that you are in control of your own life and that you are HAPPY and CONTENT, and while you may love to have him IN your life, he is NOT your life.

So, my advice to this reader is that I don’t know what happened, but I can GUESS that somehow, you chased him and it ended up killing the attraction.  So for the next guy that comes along, try doing things a little different, and don’t chase him.  In this way, according to Christian Carter, you WILL catch him and keep him.

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

Here is one reader’s question on getting her ex back…

How do I know if it was me or him? It’s been over a year since he left our marriage I’ve been in a lot if counseling.   Of course I had my flaws but I’m also a good catch maybe it was his commitment issues? I love him so much I’ve tried everything he just isn’t in to me – and I’m wearing down and very lonely! Many men would be proud to have me, every day I get hit on.   But he looks right thru me.  What should I do?  Give up?

*S*

Dear *S* -

I feel your pain when you are talking about your ex.  I am afraid, however, from your email, that you are overdoing and trying too hard.  This kind of behavior is exactly what drives a man away from a relationship and kills attraction for him.

You see, when you pursue a man in this manner, you are really going against the “natural selection” mode – because in nature, it is the female who actually chooses the mate – the male has to vie for her attention, and if he is lucky, he is chosen.  This is the basis for the courtship rituals in countless species (you can read more on this on page 39 in Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook).

So, if you are working on trying to get him back, essentially, trying to make HIM choose YOU, you are going against the grain of the man.  You need to lean back, metaphorically speaking, and allow him to be the one to pursue you.

You may be thinking, how will he know I am interested if I quit showing him?  You can give a man signals of interest without bludgeoning him over the head with them.  You can use your eyes, body language, etc to show him that you are open to receiving his advances.  It’s easier, however, to do this with a “new” man than to use it to try to get an ex back, especially if you have been pursuing him in one way or another for the last year.

S, for you, knowing that you have been married to this man, and have been actively trying to get him back, I believe it is time for you to walk away.  He is probably feeling hunted, wary, or simply tired of fielding the emotional volley from you after all this time.  It’s time to show HIM that you have other men to spend your time on and other things to do rather than sitting there pining after him.  Maybe he will realize, after you pull the proverbial rug out from under his feet, that he DOES need you and want you.  At that point, you continue to SHOW him that you are very capable of being happy on your own and not dependent upon him for your satisfaction in life.  This is something that I agree with Christian Carter on 100% – you HAVE to be able to be happy on your own before you can ever be really happy in a partnership.  And there is also the very real possibility that your ex will not respond – in which case – don’t you think it is much healthier to pursue your own happiness rather than try to keep a flame alive that is only being carried on one end?  It may seem harsh, but you have to respect yourself enough to walk away when its time.  Don’t demean yourself by pursuing someone who is not interested.  As you said yourself, you are a catch, and if he doesn’t realize him, then it is HIS loss.  Capitalize on that and find someone who will appreciate your value.

Love,

Sarah

Here is the letter from my reader:

Hey Sarah –

Thanks for your letters, they actually have given me insight, however I have got a question about my boyfriend I just met 3 weeks ago. He only calls me at night and sometimes skips a day without calling. I felt so in love with him the first week and when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside. I want to ask him how he feel about me now but I don’t want to spoil it or looks like I m needy. How do I make him feel the same way I feel for him. Please help me I really need a serious commitment and really want to know if he is for me and if not how to move on, thanks again Sarah.

In need of dating advice,

Anonymous

Here is my answer to this struggling woman:

Dear Anonymous –

Thank you for writing to me with your dating problem.  I am going to give it to you straight here, because I believe that is what you need, and what people value about my dating advice.  Let’s examine what you have said here.

First of all, you have been dating this man for only three weeks, yet you fell “in love” with him in the first week.  That is a HUGE red flag here for several reasons.  First of all, if you are falling in love with someone that quickly, it is 9 times out of 10 lust and not love (or attraction) – which is not the basis for a lasting relationship.  You cannot possibly know this man (as you said, you don’t know what to say to him or how to read what he is thinking) so you cannot genuinely be in love with him.  So for your own good, let’s take a step back here and really try to evaluate what is happening.

I want to talk to you, specifically, about what Christian Carter says in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 55.  He titles this section “The Danger of a Connection”, and this is EXACTLY what is happening to you.   Christian Carter writes, “You’d be crazy to take the close relationship and love you want to find and gamble it away by betting on a guy whose greatest qualification is that he makes you feel attracted to him….For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard women talk about something they call “chemistry” or a “connection.” Women use these words to describe a feeling they have and then choose to attach their own meaning to it, without making sure the man feels the same way”.

This, it seems, is exactly what is happening to you.  You said “when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside”.

So, you are feeling like you are in a relationship (and after only a couple weeks, that is what is called an “instant relationship”, which not really a relationship at all, but a pseudo-relationship based on feelings of attraction and chemistry).  You don’t know if he is feeling the same way – which means in reality that he is NOT feeling the same way.

Christian carter says “The wiring men have inside doesn’t necessarily tie together that physical and chemical attraction with deeper long-term bonding elements the way it does so quickly for women.  Men have a range of responses with women they’re attracted to. Women are generally great at reading these attraction signals. Unfortunately, women aren’t good with two important skills:

1)  Identifying if he’s truly a quality future mate (above and beyond the “connection”)

2) Deciphering whether or not the energy, interactions, conversations, behaviors, and the mutual interests between the man and women can develop into a foundation for a strong relationship”.

So, there is a huge commonality in failed relationships – and that is that the “connection” or “chemistry” was the only thing the coupled shared in common.  Another way of saying this is that the “chemistry” you felt with him is no indicator of your relationship’s ability to survive, as it does not involve common interest, values, or even the ability to communicate well.

Don’t get me wrong, you DO have to have a good connection with a future mate.  HOWEVER, that connection MUST led to a keen ability to communicate with each other in a respectful and loving way – and already your relationship is showing evidence of a lack of communicative ability.

So – to recap – do not mistake your chemistry connection for a real relationship – it isn’t one.  Make sure you are not falling in the love with the IDEA of who he is, according to Christian Carter, instead of who he REALLY is – because you DO NOT know who he REALLY is after only a few weeks.  I think you need to step back from this relationship and take a good look inside YOURSELF and discover what it is you really want, and whether or not you are really ready for a relationship if you are falling for a guy so quickly.  You need to make sure that YOU are getting what YOU need in a relationship – love, understanding, commitment, respect and support.  You are worth waiting for those things, and you will be much happier in the end if you are choosy about the relationships you enter into.

All the best,

Sarah

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

First, let’s define overfunctioning.  Overfunctioning is a term coined by Rori Raye, and it basically means doing more than your fair share.  Its “doing other family members’ work, and helping where no

help is needed. It’s stepping in when you know you could do a better job, stepping up to rescue someone, jumping in to save the situation” (Rori Raye, p 116).  Doing this, doing too much, will actually deprive your MAN of his ability to be the masculine partner, because surprisingly, the nurturing in the relationship is a masculine energy, and not a feminine energy.

By taking all these things on, we make it actually unrewarding for men to act like men, and

they become lazy and complacent and vaguely resentful and then, they quit trying to make us happy. “They opt out of Masculinity, hand it over to us, and let us do it all” (Rori Raye, p 117).  And how many of us, as women, FEEL like we are doing it all and WISH that the man in our lives would step up and take some of the burden?  Well, more than likely, we created this situation by essentially emasculating our men by over-doing and overfunctioning.

The real eye opener for me, though, was learning how nurturing is actually a masculine energy.  It seems counterintuitive, right?  I mean, really, we as women – moms, wives, girlfriends – we live to give love, to grow our children and help out.  But, nurturing is about DOING things, giving things, and literally giving your energy away.  And as we know from previous discussions (see my blog if you did not read them), when you give energy out, that is a masculine action.

“Feeling compassion, connection, love, sensual delight in the way your baby feels to your touch, excitement at the way your lover feels to your touch – is completely different from reaching over and picking the baby up when it cries, from driving the kids to school, from reaching over and massaging your husband or boyfriend’s back when he never massages yours, from starting the conversation with a man you’ve never met because he seems too shy to take the first step, from soothing a man when his feelings are hurt by you or anyone else” (Rori Raye, p 117).  But feeling things is completely different from doing things.  And, allow me to say that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing because we are all a MIXTURE of the female and male energies is a relationship.  Where the trouble lies is when we, as women, who should be in the feminine energy, take OVER the masculine energy by doing TOO MUCH.

Do you understand what I am saying?  When we are functioning in a balanced way, we have the fluidity of movement between masculine and feminine energies.  But, when we overfunction, we get literally STUCK in the masculine energy.  And that leads to overbalance, and leads your man to have no recourse because you have taken HIS role in the relationship.

Let’s not get confused here, though, because we cannot confuse being loving with nurturing.  “We completely miss the joy of loving our men by experiencing them.   Experiencing men, like experiencing a sunset, or a walk in the forest, or a work of art, or childbirth, or rain, or sex requires that we let go of the urge to Do” (Rori Raye, p 117).  EXEPERIENCING these things is different than DOING these things, like taking pictures of the sunset is different than simply experiencing it.   Taking a hike in the forest for exercise is different than simply EXPERIENCING what the forest has to offer you.

So try simply experiencing things – take a small moment and go outside, sit in the sunshine and experience the day.  Feel the sun on your skin, the breeze in your hair, notice the smells and the sounds and the experience of it all.  Don’t analyze it, judge it, assimilate it, just FEEL it.  Do that until you get GOOD at it.  Then start trying to do this in your relationship.  Just EXPERIENCE it at times instead of fixing it.

When you are directing your masculine energy of nurturing toward your man, you may be making him feel like you are mothering him, and men don’t like that or want that.  That makes you seem judgmental and apart from them.  Instead, give him some attention and love, but don’t treat him like something that needs fixed.  So stop overfunctioning – stop doing everything and give him the room to take it over.  Instead, step back and start being cherished for what you are. This is what your husband or boyfriend wants – to love you for who and what you are.

I frequently get questions like the one below about how to make your man commit to a relationship.  Well, ladies, here is the scoop – you can’t make him commit.  But, and Christian Carter says this all the time – you CAN make your boundaries clear, the consequences clear, stick to your guns and get what YOU want out of your dating life or your relationship.  Read on for more….

*********

Hi Sarah

Thank you for your emails & here is my question. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he still won’t commit. He says all the usual stuff, I don’t have time, I’m too busy, I don’t want a relationship with anyone blah blah blah – and I believed him – until – 2 weeks ago when I found out that when we were broken up last year for 4 months, he joined a dating agency, paid $2000 for a 6 month membership, went on dates with 6 girls, went on 2^nd dates with each of them, he wanted more from them but they didn’t want him – ha ha. I also found out that he wanted somebody younger, and he wants to have more kids ( I knew that) but he wants children with someone who doesn’t already have kids. When I found all this out I confronted him (I didn’t tell him how I found out) & he admitted that he did want a serious relationship last year. I can’t believe a word he says. Since then I have stopped being his ‘girlfriend’ (he keeps telling me he doesn’t want a girlfriend) & I have stopped doing everything. I don’t cook for him, have sex with him, help him with his problems  etc etc. He came over last night, annoyed that I hadn’t organized dinner (do you believe?) so he brought dinner with him. When we went to bed he tried to have sex with me & I said no – nicely. He kept trying I kept saying no. I said give me what I want & I’ll give you what you want. He kept saying, what do you want? And I kept saying you know what I want (he knows I want a relationship). Then he got really mad (do you believe?) and went to sleep. He woke up this morning at 6am and tried to leave at 6.30am (Sunday) I wasn’t happy of course and let him know it. He was still really angry this morning. Boo hoo – he’s had it too good for too long – he’s been spoiled. I have looked after him & his children, done everything – and two years on and no commitment in sight. So Sarah – my question is – what do I do? I don’t want to be with anyone else. He has his own business & does very well financially with that, he is a very good devoted father and has other good qualities. I have decided that if doesn’t commit to me by the end of May I am going to move away and I have told him that I am going to move away but he doesn’t know when. Please help.

Kind regards

A Loyal Reader

*******

Hi Loyal Reader –

First of all – let me commend you and say that you are on the right track with this.  He won’t commit to you, so it is perfectly fair for you to withhold sex from him and make yourself unavailable for the creature comforts he is looking for.  However, let me give you a little more direction on how to do this in a constructive and mature fashion.

Dating and relationships are never easy, especially when your boyfriend wants one thing and you want another.  This is where a lot of women go wrong, though, according to Christian Carter, and they react in a fashion that could be a little more mature and constructive.  So let’s go over what you are doing:

A) You have stopped having sex with him. Good job!  And I don’t mean that because it hurts him – I mean that because as a strong, confidant woman, you should not be having sex with ANYONE until and unless they agree to a log-term committed relationship with you.  It’s about self-respect, not hurting him.

B) You have stopped cooking for him and seeing to his other comforts.  Again – good!  But, you are doing this for the wrong reasons, or so it seems to me.  Christian Carter’s philosophy on dating and relationships is all about YOU and respecting yourself.  It seems to me that you are doing this to be hurtful to him because you are angry.  That’s not the right reason, and the effect is NOT the same.  You DO need to stop catering to him, absolutely!  However, you need to take care of YOURSELF in his stead.  You need to see to your needs – which includes – DATING OTHER MEN.

Notice I said DATING – not sleeping with – but conversing with, going out on dates, dinner, movies, fun times, to see who else is out there and to emphasize that if your boyfriend is not going to be committed to you, then you are not going to wait for him to make up his mind, you are going to go out and find what YOU want.

So – you need to stop being mad at him and showing that anger by pouting, giving him the silent treatment or other ways that we women tend to express ourselves.  We do that – by the way – because we think that if we SHOW him how angry we are and how hurt we are that he will actually SEE it (which half the time he doesn’t even see it, and the other half he has no idea what to do with it) and he will fix it.  No – if you want to show him that you are not going to put up with his unwillingness to commit to you – then do that by dating other men and seeing to your own needs in a mature and adult manner.

Thank you for writing in with your dating advice and relationship questions, I really appreciate it!  And in the words of Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him…

Best of luck in life and love,

Sarah

It’s difficult for me, as well, when I get emails from my subscribers that tell me about behaviors and events that just break my heart.  One such email is below, and I ask you all to extend your empathy and strength to this woman as she goes through a difficult time.  Remember, too, that when you are too close to a situation, it is often times very difficult to see it for what it really is…

Hey, Sarah

I have already broken up with my ex for almost 5 months, but we still keep in touch and sometimes have physical relations. At the beginning I can’t get out from this kind relationship, but after several months, I feel more comfortable than before, I just be myself and if I want to see him I just call him if don’t, I just focus on my own life.

After we broke up, I dated other guys, but not very serious. But recently I met a guy who really wanted to start a serious relationship with me. My ex found out and he got anxious. But after he saw that I have no chemistry with that guy, he went back to normal. Now I have strong feeling that I want to get my ex back, cause after seeing a lot of guys, I found out its super hard to find a guy I will have feelings about. And 2 weeks later is his birthday, I am not sure I should get him a gift ($500 watch he wants for a long time) or not! I need your help!!!

My reply to this woman follows:

Dear Z -

Thank you so much for writing in.  I know I dropped you a line earlier today that told you under no circumstance were you to buy this man a gift, and that I would address the rest of your letter as soon as I could.  Well, now is the time, and this is going to be a little bit of tough love, dear, Christian Carter style.

You need to drop this man like a poisonous snake.  He is using you to get physical gratification and you are letting him get away with satisfying his needs but not meeting your own.

I am quoting this directly from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook (page 47), “A man can easily change his mind about a woman. He can very easily go from seeing a woman as “Relationship Material” to someone he’s just dating until the right one comes along.  But…

It’s extremely difficult for a man to consider a woman for a real relationship when she started out as just a “casual girl.”  In other words, don’t EVER start off as the “casual girl” if you want the option of a full and committed relationship in the future. If a relationship is what you’re after, you have to be “girlfriend material” and make sure that you are clear FROM THE START that the only way you’ll be with him is for a relationship, not for something casual.  Some women think they can catch a guy and keep him interested by being sexy and luring him in with the physical aspects of intimacy. An example of this is the “friends with benefits” approach.  These women think they’re taking the quick and easy road by playing things so casually. Secretly, they believe that he’ll become interested and fall for her once he realizes how special their connection is”.

As Christian Carter continues on, he tells his readers that this approach just plain DOES NOT WORK. Men do not see relationships the same way as women do, and if you give in to him this way, he is going to break your heart.

So what DO you do?  You tell him that you are done with this.  In a calm, cool and very mature way, tell him simply that you are worth more than just a romp in the hay to any man, and that you are not going to continue to fulfill his needs while ignoring your own.  Then tell him simply that you wish him the best and that you are going to go date other people.  Do not give him the option to change.  Do not give him the option to be your boyfriend again.  Just end the conversation and walk out of his life.

And then -  here is the very important part.  YOU DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO.  And like Christian Carter says, be strong enough to respect yourself enough NOT to get intimate with another man until he has committed to you.

And what if your current boyfriend decides to change his evil ways?  Sure – date him, but do not become intimate with him again either until he has fully and completely committed to you.    And feel free to date more than one guy at the same time!  Don’t be sneaky – tell them, and tell them that you will not be intimate with anyone either.  This is called Circular Dating, and Rori Raye recommends it in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook.  And this type of dating puts YOU in control of the selection process.

You WILL find someone worth your time and your heart.  But you have to do your part and respect yourself enough to wait for it.  Christian Carter always ends his emails with “Best of luck in life and love” and I share this sentiment with you.  Be strong and you will be blessed with love and happiness!

Love,

Sarah

Some ways that good intentions are expressed in bad ways in a relationship are jealousy, obsession, mistrust and anger.  Jealousy can spring from love – you love your boyfriend so much that you start to become insecure – what of he leaves me/likes another girl/wants her?  You begin to worry and obsess and soon that love or like turns into jealousy, anger an mistrust.  Obsession, much like jealousy, can stem from love, but it can also stem from a desire to control your man and what he does, says, thinks or wants.  Mistrust is often directly related to your own insecurity, but that comes from jealousy and obsession as well – especially if you are becoming controlling of your man – often times he will begin to lie to you not to cover up anything truly bad that he has done, but to avoid fights and arguments over what he wants or does.  Anger is going to happen in any relationship – however, its expression can make or break your relationship.  If you are an “anger-in” person, you will keep your anger inside until you finally burst, and then a big scene will ensue.   If you are an “anger-out” person, you may hit, throw things, swear and scream when you are angry.  If you are emotionally mature, you will express your anger constructively, such as using “I feel” statements and active listening.

So how do all these bad things relate to what Christian Carter calls a “cool girl”?  Well – a cool girl is essentially an emotionally mature girl who does not participate in behaviors like I mentioned above.  A cool girl does not get jealous – she understands her own worth and that if her man has a friend that is a girl, she can trust him – and if she can’t trust him not to cheat, she doesn’t need him.  According to Christian Carter, a cool girl goes with the flow and rolls with the ;punches – and if she doesn’t like what is going on, she doesn’t need to make a big scene, she simply says “Hey, I’m outta here, I have other things I would rather be doing”.  There is no animosity or implied guilt there, it is justa simple statement of fact.

Here are some “Cool Girl” Do’s right from the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook (p 140).

• Don’t complain much or talk about  things that are impossible for anyone to solve given the current situation.
• Bring funny positive thoughts and feelings to situations.
• Don’t have to always be in control.
• Be willing to go with the flow when it comes to social things, but make assertions when they have opinions and ideas.
• Cool girls have options and things to do that keep them busy and content, so they don’t feel like they’re left out if they’re not invited to something.
• Cool girls don’t try and make a man do something if he says he doesn’t want to.
• According to Christian Carter, cool girls don’t require or ask too much from a man at any one time. They know there’s always tomorrow.
• Don’t require a man to always validate their emotions and ideas.

These are a few tips on what a cool girl does from the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook by Christian Carter.  There are tons more tips in there on this subject.  But do you see the overlying pattern here?  A “cool girl” in a relationship is easy to get along with, mature, not controlling and able to be her own person separate from her boyfriend.  These are traits that men LOVE when they are dating someone – and will literally have him saying to you, “You are different than anyone I have ever met before”.    Wouldn’t it be nice to hear that?  To be in a fulfilling, mutually beneficial, sane relationship without all the negative emotion and drama?  By transforming yourself into an emotionally mature woman, you can do your part in this – and realize that the other half of the relationship is up to him.