Dating and Relationship Advice for Women

The Natural Process of Attraction According to Christian Carter – Don’t Chase Him!

Getting your ex back or getting that spark back into your relationship is a hot topic, and one that Christian Carter addresses when he tells his readers that attraction is not a CHOICE.  Many times, attraction for a man is built or maintained by your actions and your attitude, not your looks.  Similarly, when you are trying to get an ex back, your actions in trying to get him back may be what keeps him away – exactly the opposite of what you intend, of course, but often times the intuitive things we have learned as women, according to Christian Carter, are exactly the opposite of the things that really WORK.

Here is one reader’s question on getting her ex back…

How do I know if it was me or him? It’s been over a year since he left our marriage I’ve been in a lot if counseling.   Of course I had my flaws but I’m also a good catch maybe it was his commitment issues? I love him so much I’ve tried everything he just isn’t in to me – and I’m wearing down and very lonely! Many men would be proud to have me, every day I get hit on.   But he looks right thru me.  What should I do?  Give up?

*S*

Dear *S* -

I feel your pain when you are talking about your ex.  I am afraid, however, from your email, that you are overdoing and trying too hard.  This kind of behavior is exactly what drives a man away from a relationship and kills attraction for him.

You see, when you pursue a man in this manner, you are really going against the “natural selection” mode – because in nature, it is the female who actually chooses the mate – the male has to vie for her attention, and if he is lucky, he is chosen.  This is the basis for the courtship rituals in countless species (you can read more on this on page 39 in Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook).

So, if you are working on trying to get him back, essentially, trying to make HIM choose YOU, you are going against the grain of the man.  You need to lean back, metaphorically speaking, and allow him to be the one to pursue you.

You may be thinking, how will he know I am interested if I quit showing him?  You can give a man signals of interest without bludgeoning him over the head with them.  You can use your eyes, body language, etc to show him that you are open to receiving his advances.  It’s easier, however, to do this with a “new” man than to use it to try to get an ex back, especially if you have been pursuing him in one way or another for the last year.

S, for you, knowing that you have been married to this man, and have been actively trying to get him back, I believe it is time for you to walk away.  He is probably feeling hunted, wary, or simply tired of fielding the emotional volley from you after all this time.  It’s time to show HIM that you have other men to spend your time on and other things to do rather than sitting there pining after him.  Maybe he will realize, after you pull the proverbial rug out from under his feet, that he DOES need you and want you.  At that point, you continue to SHOW him that you are very capable of being happy on your own and not dependent upon him for your satisfaction in life.  This is something that I agree with Christian Carter on 100% – you HAVE to be able to be happy on your own before you can ever be really happy in a partnership.  And there is also the very real possibility that your ex will not respond – in which case – don’t you think it is much healthier to pursue your own happiness rather than try to keep a flame alive that is only being carried on one end?  It may seem harsh, but you have to respect yourself enough to walk away when its time.  Don’t demean yourself by pursuing someone who is not interested.  As you said yourself, you are a catch, and if he doesn’t realize him, then it is HIS loss.  Capitalize on that and find someone who will appreciate your value.

Love,

Sarah

What Christian Carter Calls the “Danger of a Connection”

I received a request for dating advice from a reader in my inbox the other day, and really felt the urge to share this woman’s situation with my readers, because so many of us fall into this emotional trap when we begin to date a guy.  Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him calls this the “danger of a connection”, and it’s all about letting ourselves as women get overwhelmed by the emotion of a new relationship.

Here is the letter from my reader:

Hey Sarah –

Thanks for your letters, they actually have given me insight, however I have got a question about my boyfriend I just met 3 weeks ago. He only calls me at night and sometimes skips a day without calling. I felt so in love with him the first week and when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside. I want to ask him how he feel about me now but I don’t want to spoil it or looks like I m needy. How do I make him feel the same way I feel for him. Please help me I really need a serious commitment and really want to know if he is for me and if not how to move on, thanks again Sarah.

In need of dating advice,

Anonymous

Here is my answer to this struggling woman:

Dear Anonymous –

Thank you for writing to me with your dating problem.  I am going to give it to you straight here, because I believe that is what you need, and what people value about my dating advice.  Let’s examine what you have said here.

First of all, you have been dating this man for only three weeks, yet you fell “in love” with him in the first week.  That is a HUGE red flag here for several reasons.  First of all, if you are falling in love with someone that quickly, it is 9 times out of 10 lust and not love (or attraction) – which is not the basis for a lasting relationship.  You cannot possibly know this man (as you said, you don’t know what to say to him or how to read what he is thinking) so you cannot genuinely be in love with him.  So for your own good, let’s take a step back here and really try to evaluate what is happening.

I want to talk to you, specifically, about what Christian Carter says in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 55.  He titles this section “The Danger of a Connection”, and this is EXACTLY what is happening to you.   Christian Carter writes, “You’d be crazy to take the close relationship and love you want to find and gamble it away by betting on a guy whose greatest qualification is that he makes you feel attracted to him….For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard women talk about something they call “chemistry” or a “connection.” Women use these words to describe a feeling they have and then choose to attach their own meaning to it, without making sure the man feels the same way”.

This, it seems, is exactly what is happening to you.  You said “when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside”.

So, you are feeling like you are in a relationship (and after only a couple weeks, that is what is called an “instant relationship”, which not really a relationship at all, but a pseudo-relationship based on feelings of attraction and chemistry).  You don’t know if he is feeling the same way – which means in reality that he is NOT feeling the same way.

Christian carter says “The wiring men have inside doesn’t necessarily tie together that physical and chemical attraction with deeper long-term bonding elements the way it does so quickly for women.  Men have a range of responses with women they’re attracted to. Women are generally great at reading these attraction signals. Unfortunately, women aren’t good with two important skills:

1)  Identifying if he’s truly a quality future mate (above and beyond the “connection”)

2) Deciphering whether or not the energy, interactions, conversations, behaviors, and the mutual interests between the man and women can develop into a foundation for a strong relationship”.

So, there is a huge commonality in failed relationships – and that is that the “connection” or “chemistry” was the only thing the coupled shared in common.  Another way of saying this is that the “chemistry” you felt with him is no indicator of your relationship’s ability to survive, as it does not involve common interest, values, or even the ability to communicate well.

Don’t get me wrong, you DO have to have a good connection with a future mate.  HOWEVER, that connection MUST led to a keen ability to communicate with each other in a respectful and loving way – and already your relationship is showing evidence of a lack of communicative ability.

So – to recap – do not mistake your chemistry connection for a real relationship – it isn’t one.  Make sure you are not falling in the love with the IDEA of who he is, according to Christian Carter, instead of who he REALLY is – because you DO NOT know who he REALLY is after only a few weeks.  I think you need to step back from this relationship and take a good look inside YOURSELF and discover what it is you really want, and whether or not you are really ready for a relationship if you are falling for a guy so quickly.  You need to make sure that YOU are getting what YOU need in a relationship – love, understanding, commitment, respect and support.  You are worth waiting for those things, and you will be much happier in the end if you are choosy about the relationships you enter into.

All the best,

Sarah

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

Overfunctioning Can Be Ruining Your Relationship According to Rori Raye

A key aspect in the success of a relationship, according to Rori Raye, is the balance of the feminine and masculine energy.  One way that we, as women, drive a relationship into imbalance is by overfunctioning within the relationship.  Put very simply, overfunctioning is doing too much.  Rori Raye talks about this in the Have the Relationship You Want eBook, and I would like to share some key insights with you here today.

First, let’s define overfunctioning.  Overfunctioning is a term coined by Rori Raye, and it basically means doing more than your fair share.  Its “doing other family members’ work, and helping where no

help is needed. It’s stepping in when you know you could do a better job, stepping up to rescue someone, jumping in to save the situation” (Rori Raye, p 116).  Doing this, doing too much, will actually deprive your MAN of his ability to be the masculine partner, because surprisingly, the nurturing in the relationship is a masculine energy, and not a feminine energy.

By taking all these things on, we make it actually unrewarding for men to act like men, and

they become lazy and complacent and vaguely resentful and then, they quit trying to make us happy. “They opt out of Masculinity, hand it over to us, and let us do it all” (Rori Raye, p 117).  And how many of us, as women, FEEL like we are doing it all and WISH that the man in our lives would step up and take some of the burden?  Well, more than likely, we created this situation by essentially emasculating our men by over-doing and overfunctioning.

The real eye opener for me, though, was learning how nurturing is actually a masculine energy.  It seems counterintuitive, right?  I mean, really, we as women – moms, wives, girlfriends – we live to give love, to grow our children and help out.  But, nurturing is about DOING things, giving things, and literally giving your energy away.  And as we know from previous discussions (see my blog if you did not read them), when you give energy out, that is a masculine action.

“Feeling compassion, connection, love, sensual delight in the way your baby feels to your touch, excitement at the way your lover feels to your touch – is completely different from reaching over and picking the baby up when it cries, from driving the kids to school, from reaching over and massaging your husband or boyfriend’s back when he never massages yours, from starting the conversation with a man you’ve never met because he seems too shy to take the first step, from soothing a man when his feelings are hurt by you or anyone else” (Rori Raye, p 117).  But feeling things is completely different from doing things.  And, allow me to say that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing because we are all a MIXTURE of the female and male energies is a relationship.  Where the trouble lies is when we, as women, who should be in the feminine energy, take OVER the masculine energy by doing TOO MUCH.

Do you understand what I am saying?  When we are functioning in a balanced way, we have the fluidity of movement between masculine and feminine energies.  But, when we overfunction, we get literally STUCK in the masculine energy.  And that leads to overbalance, and leads your man to have no recourse because you have taken HIS role in the relationship.

Let’s not get confused here, though, because we cannot confuse being loving with nurturing.  “We completely miss the joy of loving our men by experiencing them.   Experiencing men, like experiencing a sunset, or a walk in the forest, or a work of art, or childbirth, or rain, or sex requires that we let go of the urge to Do” (Rori Raye, p 117).  EXEPERIENCING these things is different than DOING these things, like taking pictures of the sunset is different than simply experiencing it.   Taking a hike in the forest for exercise is different than simply EXPERIENCING what the forest has to offer you.

So try simply experiencing things – take a small moment and go outside, sit in the sunshine and experience the day.  Feel the sun on your skin, the breeze in your hair, notice the smells and the sounds and the experience of it all.  Don’t analyze it, judge it, assimilate it, just FEEL it.  Do that until you get GOOD at it.  Then start trying to do this in your relationship.  Just EXPERIENCE it at times instead of fixing it.

When you are directing your masculine energy of nurturing toward your man, you may be making him feel like you are mothering him, and men don’t like that or want that.  That makes you seem judgmental and apart from them.  Instead, give him some attention and love, but don’t treat him like something that needs fixed.  So stop overfunctioning – stop doing everything and give him the room to take it over.  Instead, step back and start being cherished for what you are. This is what your husband or boyfriend wants – to love you for who and what you are.