Natural and Lasting Attraction

He Loves You – But He Does Not Want to Be Committed – Dating Advice from Christian Carter on Commitment

How many times in your dating life have you heard this – “I love you, but I don’t want to be committed”…”Its not you, its me”…”You are a great girl, but I don’t want to be tied down”??  Five?  Ten?  A MILLION?  Believe me ladies, we have ALL been there.  And it really stinks because you have no idea what he is REALLY saying.  How can he “love” you, but not want to be committed?  Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him has some pretty good ideas on this subject.

First, though, I want to share a recent question I got from one of my readers that inspired me to write this article…

“I met a guy and we became friends for about three months.  Then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.  Three weeks Later he said he loves me but does not want to be committed. What does he mean by, “I LOVE YOU BUT DONT WANT TO BE COMMITED?”

First of all, and before I answer, when you read her question, what do YOU think?  What d you think is happening in this relationship that has caused it to go off track so quickly?

Did she get needy?  Did he meet someone else?  Did he maybe never really love her in the first place?

Its hard to tell – because of course, we don’t know the whole story.  But let me review this – first, they were friends for several months.  This probably means that she REALLY liked him, and he was on the fence about it.  Why?  My first guess is the mechanics of attraction.

According to Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him, attraction is “not a choice”.  There are, however, some very fundamental elements to attraction – one of which, for men, is DO NOT CHASE HIM.  What do we do, as women, when we are attracted to a guy and he is not showing any real interest in us?  We chase.  We try to lure him in.  We overdo.  We put ourselves in his path, knowing that if he would just SEE how good we are, he could not help but love us.  And ladies, I am not being condescending or poking fun – because I HAVE BEEN THERE.  I have done all these things.

As women, we WANT to nurture.  That means we want to take care of him, and everyone, and this means that usually, we overextend this virtue by overdoing.   We go out of our way to do little things and think he will be SO appreciative.

But you know what?  He’s not.  And that does not mean he is a rude person.  It means he is a man.  Truthfully, Christian Carter says, most men do not WANT to be waited on, or have things done for them because it makes them feel OBLIGATED to do things in return.  No one likes to feel obligated.  It kills attraction.

So by overdoing, we are killing the attraction.  By chasing him, we are killing the attraction.  By being consistently available to him, we are …. Guess what?  Killing the attraction!

So what DO we do?  Well, if you want to PROMOTE attraction the Catch Him and Keep Him way (which works!) you will make yourself an IN DEMAND COMMODITY.  I’m not saying go sell yourself on a street corner here, either.  I am saying that you need to make HIM chase you. And how do you do that?  You make yourself less available.  You go have fun with your friends.  You make a date with YOURSELF and do something YOU want to do and don’t invite him.  So him that you are in control of your own life and that you are HAPPY and CONTENT, and while you may love to have him IN your life, he is NOT your life.

So, my advice to this reader is that I don’t know what happened, but I can GUESS that somehow, you chased him and it ended up killing the attraction.  So for the next guy that comes along, try doing things a little different, and don’t chase him.  In this way, according to Christian Carter, you WILL catch him and keep him.

Catch Him and Keep Him eBook

The Natural Process of Attraction According to Christian Carter – Don’t Chase Him!

Getting your ex back or getting that spark back into your relationship is a hot topic, and one that Christian Carter addresses when he tells his readers that attraction is not a CHOICE.  Many times, attraction for a man is built or maintained by your actions and your attitude, not your looks.  Similarly, when you are trying to get an ex back, your actions in trying to get him back may be what keeps him away – exactly the opposite of what you intend, of course, but often times the intuitive things we have learned as women, according to Christian Carter, are exactly the opposite of the things that really WORK.

Here is one reader’s question on getting her ex back…

How do I know if it was me or him? It’s been over a year since he left our marriage I’ve been in a lot if counseling.   Of course I had my flaws but I’m also a good catch maybe it was his commitment issues? I love him so much I’ve tried everything he just isn’t in to me – and I’m wearing down and very lonely! Many men would be proud to have me, every day I get hit on.   But he looks right thru me.  What should I do?  Give up?

*S*

Dear *S* -

I feel your pain when you are talking about your ex.  I am afraid, however, from your email, that you are overdoing and trying too hard.  This kind of behavior is exactly what drives a man away from a relationship and kills attraction for him.

You see, when you pursue a man in this manner, you are really going against the “natural selection” mode – because in nature, it is the female who actually chooses the mate – the male has to vie for her attention, and if he is lucky, he is chosen.  This is the basis for the courtship rituals in countless species (you can read more on this on page 39 in Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook).

So, if you are working on trying to get him back, essentially, trying to make HIM choose YOU, you are going against the grain of the man.  You need to lean back, metaphorically speaking, and allow him to be the one to pursue you.

You may be thinking, how will he know I am interested if I quit showing him?  You can give a man signals of interest without bludgeoning him over the head with them.  You can use your eyes, body language, etc to show him that you are open to receiving his advances.  It’s easier, however, to do this with a “new” man than to use it to try to get an ex back, especially if you have been pursuing him in one way or another for the last year.

S, for you, knowing that you have been married to this man, and have been actively trying to get him back, I believe it is time for you to walk away.  He is probably feeling hunted, wary, or simply tired of fielding the emotional volley from you after all this time.  It’s time to show HIM that you have other men to spend your time on and other things to do rather than sitting there pining after him.  Maybe he will realize, after you pull the proverbial rug out from under his feet, that he DOES need you and want you.  At that point, you continue to SHOW him that you are very capable of being happy on your own and not dependent upon him for your satisfaction in life.  This is something that I agree with Christian Carter on 100% – you HAVE to be able to be happy on your own before you can ever be really happy in a partnership.  And there is also the very real possibility that your ex will not respond – in which case – don’t you think it is much healthier to pursue your own happiness rather than try to keep a flame alive that is only being carried on one end?  It may seem harsh, but you have to respect yourself enough to walk away when its time.  Don’t demean yourself by pursuing someone who is not interested.  As you said yourself, you are a catch, and if he doesn’t realize him, then it is HIS loss.  Capitalize on that and find someone who will appreciate your value.

Love,

Sarah

Get What YOU Want Out of Your Relationship

One of the most common relationship questions that women have is “How do I tell where my relationship is going?  How do I know if he feels the same things I do and wants the same things?”  It’s a horrible place to be in – that limbo between a real relationship and just “dating”, isn’t it?  Well, let’s talk about what to do to get you OUT of that limbo and into a solid and mature relationship.

In a relationship, new or old, the best position to be in is one where your man is clearly ATTRACTED to you – where he wants to be with you, spend time with you and really participate in the relationship.  I know, you are thinking, “Tell me something I don’t know!”

Do you know how to tell the difference between physical attraction and a true, genuine CONNECTION?  Many women mistake the physical attraction a man feels for them as a signal that a man wants to really be in a relationship.  That’s a dangerous mistake to make, but all too common.

Here’s the thing – for men – he can share attraction with you, be intimate and caring and really seeming like he is connecting with you, but unless he feels that attraction on a DEEPER LEVEL than physically, it will fade away, and you are left in that horrible limbo.

What can a woman DO to create that kind of attraction on a deeper level?  First, you have to get your man out of his man-bred logical thinking.  You have to reach him in a place inside him that goes way beyond that – which may be something he has never experienced before you.   YOU may have never experienced it either – if you have never had a good, lasting relationship, I’m betting you never have.

Most women who are unsure of their relationship status and don’t know where things are will be asking themselves several different questions.  1) Why isn’t he interested in talking and moving our relationship forward?  2) Why is he afraid of a commitment?  3) Why didn’t he call me/come over/text me…?

What do all these questions have in common?    Two things.  First – they are all NEGATIVE and second, they are all about HIM.  This does two things – it attracts your own negativity, which gets projected then into the world around you (and into your man!) AND it relieves YOU of the need to take responsibility for your part in the relationship/commitment issue.

I’m betting you were thinking what I was going to tell you what to change in HIM, right?  Wrong.  Everything YOU do as a person, every relationship you are in, every situation you encounter has ONE thing in common – YOU.  YOU can only change YOU.  YOU can only take responsibility for YOUR actions.  YOU can only show others your example and encourage them by your own actions.  Do you see what I am saying?

So what kind of questions do you need to ask yourself?  How about these…What does it take for my man to want to commit?  What would he want from the relationship?   What can I do to help him move forward in this relationship?

This way, you are considering his needs, and without ASKING him the answers to these questions, try putting yourself in his shoes.  Has he had bad experiences? Perhaps a jealous or untrusting past partner?  A bad relationship with his mother or father?  Does he have all single friends?  Does he want a family?

But finally – WHAT IMPACT do these things have on him?  Maybe having a psycho ex-girlfriend has made him REALLY gun-shy of an untrusting partner.  Do you do what you can to HELP that, or not?  Do you SHOW him (not tell him) that you trust him?  Or do you forget about that and fall into attention seeking patterns when you think he might be out with the guys or even eyeballing a waitress at the local Hooters?

Do you see what I am saying?  If you get yourself into a pattern of trying to understand him and HIS needs in a relationship, I guarantee you that you are going to come out on top in this.  Show a man this kind of CONNECTION, and that attraction he has for you will deepen into the gut level attraction needed for starting and maintaining a serious relationship.  He will start showing YOU the same kind of kindness, respect and understanding that you show him if you lead him by YOUR example.

In other words – my mother always says you TEACH people how to treat you.

And my mom is right.  (Yes, I am sending her this article!)

If you want to learn more about true attraction and how to spark it then maintain it, please see Christian Carter’s program Natural and Lasting Attraction.  It is FULL of fabulous relationship advice and invaluable to women who want to know how to keep their current relationship from failing.