He Loves You – But He Does Not Want to Be Committed – Dating Advice from Christian Carter on Commitment
How many times in your dating life have you heard this – “I love you, but I don’t want to be committed”…”Its not you, its me”…”You are a great girl, but I don’t want to be tied down”?? Five? Ten? A MILLION? Believe me ladies, we have ALL been there. And it really stinks because you have no idea what he is REALLY saying. How can he “love” you, but not want to be committed? Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him has some pretty good ideas on this subject.
First, though, I want to share a recent question I got from one of my readers that inspired me to write this article…
“I met a guy and we became friends for about three months. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. Three weeks Later he said he loves me but does not want to be committed. What does he mean by, “I LOVE YOU BUT DONT WANT TO BE COMMITED?”
First of all, and before I answer, when you read her question, what do YOU think? What d you think is happening in this relationship that has caused it to go off track so quickly?
Did she get needy? Did he meet someone else? Did he maybe never really love her in the first place?
Its hard to tell – because of course, we don’t know the whole story. But let me review this – first, they were friends for several months. This probably means that she REALLY liked him, and he was on the fence about it. Why? My first guess is the mechanics of attraction.
According to Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him, attraction is “not a choice”. There are, however, some very fundamental elements to attraction – one of which, for men, is DO NOT CHASE HIM. What do we do, as women, when we are attracted to a guy and he is not showing any real interest in us? We chase. We try to lure him in. We overdo. We put ourselves in his path, knowing that if he would just SEE how good we are, he could not help but love us. And ladies, I am not being condescending or poking fun – because I HAVE BEEN THERE. I have done all these things.
As women, we WANT to nurture. That means we want to take care of him, and everyone, and this means that usually, we overextend this virtue by overdoing. We go out of our way to do little things and think he will be SO appreciative.
But you know what? He’s not. And that does not mean he is a rude person. It means he is a man. Truthfully, Christian Carter says, most men do not WANT to be waited on, or have things done for them because it makes them feel OBLIGATED to do things in return. No one likes to feel obligated. It kills attraction.
So by overdoing, we are killing the attraction. By chasing him, we are killing the attraction. By being consistently available to him, we are …. Guess what? Killing the attraction!
So what DO we do? Well, if you want to PROMOTE attraction the Catch Him and Keep Him way (which works!) you will make yourself an IN DEMAND COMMODITY. I’m not saying go sell yourself on a street corner here, either. I am saying that you need to make HIM chase you. And how do you do that? You make yourself less available. You go have fun with your friends. You make a date with YOURSELF and do something YOU want to do and don’t invite him. So him that you are in control of your own life and that you are HAPPY and CONTENT, and while you may love to have him IN your life, he is NOT your life.
So, my advice to this reader is that I don’t know what happened, but I can GUESS that somehow, you chased him and it ended up killing the attraction. So for the next guy that comes along, try doing things a little different, and don’t chase him. In this way, according to Christian Carter, you WILL catch him and keep him.
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I agree that “by overdoing…By chasing, being consistently available to him… we are killing the attraction. As a guy who prefers not to premeditate my approach to a women – hoping instead that things happen naturally (not exactly practical as this produces missed opportunities), I welcome any instance when a woman approaches me. Because this is not a common thing, I go out of my way to show appreciation for her emancipation from such archaic thinking by showing her respect and by affirming to her that I admire her directness – even if I’m not attracted to her. All too often, women are dismissive of men who show them attention (when they’re not attracted) instead of reacting with modesty and appreciation for the implied compliment.
I do not mean to simplify it, but sometimes, he’s just not that into you, as the aptly titled film goes. I have seen instances where a female is so enamored with the idea of being in love, that she is susceptible to the charms of almost any guy. Some women are smart when it comes to their career, but gullible in the dating game. And at the heart of her insecurity are the longings of her own heart. This is great advice, Christian Carter!
I have a good friend who doesn’t seem to care much for the sanctity of marriage. He has said that marriage is an antiquated ritual that is not ideal for everyone today. I also heard the same sentiment on television from actor, Joe Rogen. This way of thinking may be at the heart of why this is happens to some women. He may be content with the relationship with no real intend (though it may change) to get married. I have also heard guys say they don’t intend to get married until they are done having fun and they reach their sixties at which point they would buy a trophy wife in her twenties. So women need to take a hard look at the real reason he won’t commit to you.
It really depends on what you are looking for, if you want a relationship and he won’t commit get out because he is not the right guy. If he won’t commit now on his own and you have to force it on him then it won’t last because he wasn’t ready to settle down anyway. Commitment is a big deal with guys for some reason, but once you find that guy that wants the same thing you do it will be worth the wait.
I think to a degree the article posted is correct. You don’t want to smother them by doing everything for them, besides do you want to have to do everything for them forever, No? I think if you make them think you don’t need them to be happy and maybe you don’t necessarily want them anymore they take note and start wondering why. This causes them to dig deeper and find out what they truly want, the dating game is not so much fun after awhile, there comes a time you finally realize that you want someone to run home to and you don’t have to put on a show for them you can be yourself and your both happy. Often times this stage happens faster for girls than it does men, so ladies look at someone a little older than you and maybe you will both be on the same page as far as committing to a relationship.
I think to a degree the article posted is correct. You don’t want to smother them by doing everything for them, besides do you want to have to do everything for them forever, No? I think if you make them think you don’t need them to be happy and maybe you don’t necessarily want them anymore they take note and start wondering why. This causes them to dig deeper and find out what they truly want, the dating game is not so much fun after awhile, there comes a time you finally realize that you want someone to run home to and you don’t have to put on a show for them you can be yourself and your both happy. Often times this stage happens faster for girls than it does men, so ladies look at someone a little older than you and maybe you will both be on the same page as far as committing to a relationship.
This may seem radical or even pessimistic to conventional people, but when you get right down to the core of human motivations, the idea of a long term commitment is a selfish act in and of itself. But societies and their ancient customs, which were devised with self preservation in mind, have centuries of conditioning people into thinking that the desire not to commit is selfish. The truth is both are selfish because that is in the nature of the human being. The very instinct of self preservation is self centered. Marriage is nothing more than a compromise between partners to breed offspring in part to have young descendants available to take care of them in their elderly, child like stage of life.
I really don’t understand any woman staying in a relationship that he doesn’t want to commit to. Don’t sell yourselves short ladies, if he tells you he loves you but doesn’t want to commit to the relationship it isn’t really love. Respect yourself enough to let go of him and move on, I know it will sting in the beginning but you will find the right guy and he will want to do anything possible to make you happy and if that means commitment to the relationship he won’t even think twice. This article has some great advice for you ladies please take it to heart and don’t let these guys string you along just so they can get what t hey want.
Ladies please don’ t fall for the crap about not wanting to be committed, that is just a cop out and you should respect yourselves enough to know when to say goodbye. A relationship is commitment, if you are having sex, living together, whatever then you are in a relationship correct? So if he says he loves you but he doesn’t want to be committed, I suggest you run as fast as you can. If you try to make him commit to you he will most likely cheat because he didn’t want it anyway. Listen to the advice given here and please respect yourself.
I think one of the best ways a woman can reassure her man who may be showing signs of ambivalence about committing to the relationship is to demonstrate that you are either an income earner or a good problem solver. If you earn money, he won’t feel a burden to pay for everything. Some of the more beautiful women feel their beauty is enough to bring to the table and they rely on the man to take care of their needs. But unless you’re dating a multi millionaire, this can become a burden on an man who earns an average income. One other way is to be so dynamically sexual, that he’ll do anything to keep you, but this may not ensure he’ll want to marry you.
If you look at history, you can deduce that times of crisis or during events which cause fear in the population, people tend to come closer together. I remember seeing some data about the time after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, that there was a boon in new born babies. The same thing happened after World War II ended. You got what is know well known as the baby boomers. So maybe the next time something tragic happens on a large scale which makes headlines, instead of becoming consumed by the overall sense of trepidation, perhaps women should take advantage of such a time and ask their man to marry or get engaged.
Christian is right again ladies don’t chase the man, they should pursue you just like in the wild with the animals. Please understand that he can not love you and not want to be committed to you!! Ask yourself this, do you love him, would you NOT want to be committed to him? Then that is how he should feel too. People may think that men and women are completely different species but when it comes to emotions we are not that different. If you can’t imagine yourself loving someone but not wanting to be committed to them than you have your answer.
Ladies please don’t fall for the “I Love You, but I don’t want to be committed yet line of crap. That tells me that they are only after one thing and as long as you will give it to them for free they don’t have to commit to you. Take away the fringe benefits and see what happens, but be prepared because it may not turn out the way you would like it to, you could get hurt, but in the long run it will be the right move.
I couldn’t agree more. So much, that I believe abstinence until marriage is the ultimate test of love, not infatuation. I also believe that couples need to be careful not to make a game out of avoiding each other.
Christian always has some really good advice all you have to do is follow it. This young man clearly has commitment issues, what did he even ask her to be his girlfriend for? I just hope that the friendship isn’t damaged beyond repair, I know it hurts but it is ok to not have a relationship with him, I just hope that if you want to be you can still be friends like before.
I read about a recent study that indicated people who are married report the highest levels of well-being, regardless of whether they are happily married or not. The study concluded that being married is associated with higher self-esteem, greater life satisfaction, greater happiness, and less distress. As I recall, the study ranked participants and next in line on the happiness scale were people who were co-habitating in committed relationships, followed by those in stable relationships and those casually dating. It seems to me that people appear to feel better about themselves and their lives when they move into a more committed relationship. I guess some commitment appears to be good, but more commitment appears to be even better. Score one for the conventional family.
Some great advice about the commitment and how to avoid killing attraction! I picked up some great points that will help me in the relationship department, which sadly at the moment isn’t going to well but hopefully that will now change. Thanks for the great information!
I am so tired of these guys that say I just don’t want to be tied down or committed right now. Then why are they pursuing a relationship with a someone right now? There are so many couples right now that live together but don’t get married because they want to be able to just up and leave whenever they fell like it. And there are even couples that I have heard say before getting married “if it doesn’t work I can always get a divorce. A relationship is a commitment and it is meant to be long term. If you really like this guy then play his game start going out with other guys and see if he doesn’t start coming back around to your way of seeing things.
You asked in one of the paragraphs “when you read this what did you think and “what did you think is happening in this relationship? My question I have to ask is, what did she give him after he asked her to be his girlfriend and three weeks later he is telling her this? Did she have sex with him after he asked her to be his girlfriend so he got what he wanted and decided he was done with her? Then I would definitely say he never loved her in the first place. If she didn’t give him that then he most likely found someone who would and decided it was time to move on. Your advice for this poor woman was very good though and I hope she moves on to greener pastures now.
As Carol stated in her comment the sanctity of marriage is something of the past, not a lot of people care about it in general and I am talking about men and women. Men are not the only ones out there that have commitment issues there are plenty of women who think it is better to just live together and play marriage until you get tired of each other and then you can just part ways. What I don’t get is after a certain amount of time living together doesn’t the state view you as legally married? I know if you file your taxes together once or if he calls you his wife in public then by law you are married so then how does that commitment thing work? To me it just seems silly to stay in a relationship where he has clearly told you he doesn’t want to be committed, there is someone out there for you that will be a perfect match walk away from this guy and find him.
Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.