Being Strong Enough to Stick To Your Guns – Dating Advice from Christian Carter
I wanted to share some dating advice with you all on a reader’s response to my article “Don’t Be His Friend” where I shared Christian Carter’s advice on how to avoid the “friends with benefits” trap.
Hello,
I was recently reading your article titled “Don’t be his friend.” I find myself in this situation where I have been seeing a guy for 4 months and I did all the wrong things which led us to have the “talk” where he told me wants us to be friends but still each other and do romantic things. We left things off in a friendly tone but I’ve been thinking about what I should do next…remain his “friend” or just quit talking to him but after reading your article I think I will follow your advice. I just have a quick question/comment: My fear in continuing to be his friend but cutting off any lunches, dinners or talking/hanging out is that he will just move on to someone else that will give him more of what he wants or perhaps someone better than me? In this case, what if he ends up in a relationship or invested in someone?? (even though he told me he didn’t want this with ME) I might feel regret for not actually sticking around and would make me think….that could of been me! This happened to me in the past where I was seeing someone, they told me they did not want a relationship with me because they had just finished a relationship with someone and had ex-gf drama. I was on and off with him. Towards the end we were drifting apart although I still hoped for more with him but he met someone else and they have been together ever since. It made me feel as though I was lacking something, I did something wrong…or I didn’t play my cards right. Please help. I hope to hear some good advice from you!!
Thank you!!
First of all, I am very happy to know that you are seeing a pattern in your life and may be able to overcome it. In addition, congratulations on being open to LEARNING new things about yourself and about your relationships – this is a vital aspect to being able to “Catch Him and Keep Him” as Christian Carter says – because so many times our old habits and ways of doing things are NOT working for us!
So, on to your question…what if he really DOES leave when I cut off the relationship after he says he wants to be friends? Well, let me tell you what you NEED to hear in this case, rather than what you probably want to hear. If he does – then so be it. There is no guarantee in life that a man you are attracted to is going to be attracted back. There are certainly things you can do to escalate the attraction and to encourage him to want you in that way. However, if you have been overdoing, or chasing him, or pushing him in a way that brings your relationship to a point where he just wants to be friends, the problem is that he has lost his attraction for you, and it may NOT come back.
But this ok. You have to be strong here, because you do not want to be a doormat for a man. You want to be a strong, independent, powerful woman and Christian Carter emphasizes this when he tells you that you HAVE to love yourself first. You have to be able to have fun doing things that YOU want to do instead of what a man wants to do. Pamper yourself, make a date with yourself, go out and have fun being YOU and not being defined by your relationship.
You will learn from your mistakes, and what makes you think that this ONE man is the ONE man for you? Have you been able to experience a healthy, mature relationship yet where the give and take is equal, where your feelings, your wants, your needs were heard and met? Maybe you have, and maybe you have not, but my feeling is that you need to experience this, and regretting moving on is not the way to grow and expand yourself into the person you want to be.
Never let a man trample you. Don’t let him rule you. Don’t change yourself to be what he wants you to be. If he left – it IS his loss. You will find a more fulfilling and healthy relationship. Check out my post on the blog about being the “cool girl” and learn things that you can do to escalate attraction and assert yourself within a relationship or dating setting. And I hear the other readers saying “You go girl!” because you DO.
This is sound advice. And I’ll add that sometimes the hardest thing to accept is the truth and being able to let go. You may be so smitten or love struck that you cannot fathom the thought of moving on and opening yourself up to new people. Sometimes – and it can happen to anyone – you just are not what a man wants in a relationship. Guys do make that distinction between a keeper and a regular date. A guy may find you sexually attractive and you may both have fun doing other things as well, but he may still not like you enough to want to commit. For some, this can be a jagged pill to swallow at first. You may have to come to terms with it.
This is great help for women who are struggling with their relationships.
For those struggling with relationships, especially women. This is very helpful. You should read this.
Christian is absolutely right here. If the guy leaves when you cut of the “benefits of being friends then he was never really your friend in the first place. It would defiantly be his loss as well. I think it is important to be friends with the guy you want to have a relationship with because if the friendship doesn’t work out then most likely your relationship wouldn’t either. There is a lot of time in a relationship that is just spent being in the presence of that person and if you don’t have in common likes or interests it will be really awkward. I do like the fact that Christian pointed out that you shouldn’t be a door mat and you shouldn’t change yourself to be something they like, it is really hard to keep up a persona of something you are not and not develop resentment towards the person you did the changing for.
When it comes to love and relationships, Christian is wise in saying that people need to hear the harsh truths rather than the comfort they seek when they hope to hear what they are wanting to hear. It is difficult, once you fall in love or become emotionally attached and codependent, to behave with the same confidence and independence as you once did before things went sour. I think the person must make a cold choice to accept the reality and face the possibility that it may not work out and the only thing left to do is let go and move on because that is all you can do at that point.
I guess even in this modern day, liberated world for women, some gals still only give lip service to womens’ rights and independence. Otherwise, so many women wouldn’t still be struggling with how to stand their ground and be more assertive or independent. And now that the new trend on television is recreating hit series from the 70′s, which celebrate the retro style and attitude of circa 1960′s (example of the hot new shows to hit TV this fall: Mad Men, The Playboy Club, Charlies Angels, Pan AM), just maybe the chauvinistic attitudes will once again become trendy. Let us hope that doesn’t set women back a few decades.
Men can be such fools, do they really think that they can just set back and use us women without repercussions? We ladies do have to love ourselves and we have to be able to take care of ourselves and be able to stand on our own two feet. We have to be able to have fun by ourselves and get to where we don’t need a man. If this guy couldn’t see what he had then it is better to let him go, you want someone that is going to appreciate who you are and what you do for them, not someone who is going to use you for what he wants (wink, wink) and go on down the road to the next woman that will have him. The best advice I can give you is “kick him to the curb.
I think this is excellent advice. Any woman who has become weak toward a man should recall back to when her man was first courting her. You were most likely opinionated, independent and that is one of the reasons why he was smitten with you in the beginning. There is no reason why you should feel like becoming a pleaser is justified. From my experience, my relationships have remained new and intriguing when both persons remain as free spirited and independent as they were from the start. I find that when one or the other begins to demand expectations from the other, that is when the relationship tends to go sour. You can build trust and even lean on each other, but you should not confuse that with expecting too much or becoming demanding toward your partner.
I think this is excellent advice. Any woman who has become weak toward a man should recall back to when her man was first courting her. You were most likely opinionated, independent and that is one of the reasons why he was smitten with you in the beginning. There is no reason why you should feel like becoming a pleaser is justified. From my experience, my relationships have remained new and intriguing when both persons remain as free spirited and independent as they were from the start. I find that when one or the other begins to demand expectations from the other, that is when the relationship tends to go sour. You can build trust and even lean on each other, but you should not confuse that with expecting too much or becoming demanding toward your partner.
I think this is excellent advice. Any woman who has become weak toward a man should recall back to when her man was first courting her. You were most likely opinionated, independent and that is one of the reasons why he was smitten with you in the beginning. There is no reason why you should feel like becoming a pleaser is justified. From my experience, my relationships have remained new and intriguing when both persons remain as free spirited and independent as they were from the start. I find that when one or the other begins to demand expectations from the other, that is when the relationship tends to go sour. You can build trust and even lean on each other, but you should not confuse that with expecting too much or becoming demanding toward your partner.
I think this is excellent advice. Any woman who has become weak toward a man should recall back to when her man was first courting her. You were most likely opinionated, independent and that is one of the reasons why he was smitten with you in the beginning. There is no reason why you should feel like becoming a pleaser is justified. From my experience, my relationships have remained new and intriguing when both persons remain as free spirited and independent as they were from the start. I find that when one or the other begins to demand expectations from the other, that is when the relationship tends to go sour. You can build trust and even lean on each other, but you should not confuse that with expecting too much or becoming demanding toward your partner.
Ladies don’t fall for the guys that only want one thing, like the article title says stick to your guns. I know this is about being friends with benefits but the advise can be used in so much more pertaining to relationships. You can not make a guy love you using sex, it will only back fire on you and leave you hurting worse than breaking off the relationship with him. If he says he just wants to be friends but he still wants to have sex with you than it is best to leave that relationship as fast as you can, but learn from it as well because there are more guys out there looking for this kind of relationship then there are guys wanting commitment.