One of my readers wrote in for dating advice with a very common situation, although its commonality does not take away the real pain this woman is feeling. Please read how B is struggling with her relationship, and let’s have a discussion about Christian Carter’s unique phrase – the “Instant Relationship”.
I have purchased and read the book “catch him and keep him” by Christian Carter. My question for you is………I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month. We (he especially) started off very strong while talking/texting before ever actually meeting. We felt such a connection with each other. Even after our first encounter he was able to say he loved me and saw me as a fixture in his future. After our second date (yes, I slept with him) his communication wasn’t what he professes it would be. We see each other approx. once a week and in-between those times he just texts. Always includes he misses me with xoxo’s and says he loves me. When asked if he is seeing me just for sex, he stated “no” and that we have so much more than that. I don’t understand these words but yet his lack of communication. I feel I’m being naive and that this man has filled me with lies. I finally let my guard down and allowed someone to convince me that he “loved” me and saw me in his future. We stressed “honesty”. I don’t contact him as discussed in the book. I wait for him to contact me. I can’t play this game anymore. If someone is truly interested in you wouldn’t they by nature want to be in contact with you. I have been hurt so many times before and don’t think I can take it again. Should I go ahead and approach him? I’ve acted and done everything the book said and nothing is working.
~B
Dear B-
Thank you for writing in with your dating advice question. I am really glad that you have purchased Catch Him and Keep Him by Christian Carter, but I think that there may be a few sections that you need to go back and read through again, and take a few moments to really digest.
First of all, you have only been seeing this man for a little over a month. This is truly what Christian Carter calls an “instant relationship”. You and this young man have been overwhelmed by the feeling of “falling in love”, the initial chemistry, which is powerful and moving – but also deadly. It seems that you have gotten past that initial stage possibly, and are starting to realize that there really is little there to go on beside that initial attraction. In just a few short weeks, you cannot possibly know each other well enough to proclaim that you love each other. Love takes time, and WORK to build – and the feelings that you two have are pseudo-love. Not the real thing.
The fact that you have slept with him already is not helping these intense feelings. Check out page 52 of Catch Him and Keep Him. Christian calls this a real danger zone for women in the beginning of a relationship because for women, this has genuine attachment to emotion but for men, it does not. You will also want to check out chapter 3 on relationships and different kinds of attraction.
Honestly, B, the problem you are facing here is that this relationship has gone way too quickly, and that you are focused on this one man. Instead, you should be dating other men, not sleeping with any of them, letting them pursue you and not committing to ANYONE until you find the man that gives you what YOU want consistently and over time. I don’t think this man has really let you down, I think that you put too much emphasis on him too fast, and that you are finding that he is not what you thought he was because of that. You may have had fantasies and ideals, or simply placed too much stock in the feelings of initial attraction and in the instant relationship trap.
So what do you do now? You move on. You re-read the ebook and really LOOK into your life, see what your triggers are and discover your patterns. Make a vow not to commit to a man for a minimum of 6 months and focus on you and what you want, and on dating men without the pressure of a relationship. Once you can really educate yourself on how your reactions depend on your emotions, and you realize that you can be happy and fulfilled without a man to do it FOR you, then you will be ready to make a commitment to someone who will truly reciprocate.
{facebook-share}
I am in a long distance relationship with a guy who calls every day, according to my judgment that is satisfactory. However, there are things that I do not like about him. He is romantic to the extent that I expect any guy that I am dating to be. If we are together, he does not kiss me now and then. He does not wanna wake me up every day, I once asked him & he made it clear that he is not a walking alarm, which is for Western people, he is a real African man; I did not want to hear that. He always talk of commitment but he tells me that he is not yet ready to introduce me to his family because he is still trying to sort things out with his baby’s mother. I do not understand how that will stop us to grow our relationship. We have been dating for 10 months. He is secretive, if I ask things he says I’m too much on his nerves & I should focus on what needs me, whereas he is busy digging information about me in my neighborhood. Is the problem with me / him?
~N. South Africa
Dear N –
Thank you so much for writing in with your dating advice question. There are a few red flags that I see immediately with your questions. First of all, you tell me that there are things that you do not like about him. Of course, no one is perfect, but these things seem to be bothering you at a very fundamental level – and if that is the case, it may be time to move on.
What you are expressing to me in your letter is what Christian Carter would call a fairly basic love need. You express to me that you …
• Need public displays of affection
• Need a man who is willing to show you love with acts of service (i.e. waking you up)
• Want a commitment
• Want openness and honesty in your relationship
Let’s address these point by point.
First – you want public displays of affection. According to Dr. Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages (a great read, I highly recommend it), this tells me that one of your primary love languages, or the way you best like to receive love and give love, is physical touch. Just because your man is not giving you that right now does not mean that he will NOT do it in the future, if you can explain to him that you need this in order to feel loved. However, it seems that his ideals of masculinity may get in the way of this from your statement about him being a “real, South African man”. However, I wholly concur with many dating advice experts, including Christian Carter, who emphasize the point that you cannot go into a relationship expecting to change someone. If your man WANTS to change in order to make you feel more loved, he may do it, but if YOU want HIM to change so you can feel more love, then it is not going to work. HE has to want the change.
Secondly, you want a man who is able to show you love with acts of service. Again, drawing from Dr. Chapman’s teachings, acts of service may be your second love language. (Everyone has two). This means that you feel love when people do things for you, like waking you up or maybe helping with chores around the house, etc. If you are dating a man who looks at things like this as un-masculine, you may encounter a problem.
Now, for both of these issues, you may want to try to help your man to understand your love languages by encouraging him when he does something RIGHT. For instance, if he holds your hand in public for a minute, tell him how good it makes you feel when he does something like that. If he does an act of service for you, tell him how much you appreciate it and how it makes you feel cared for. In other words, catch him doing things RIGHT and praise him for it. It may take a bit, but if he is an open man, he will eventually understand it and start doing more of those things to make you happy. Just don’t QUIT telling him how happy it makes you!
The third point, that you want a commitment, may be the tough one. Christian Carter, author of Catch Him and Keep Him and Rori Raye, author of Have the Relationship You Want, both emphasize that they want to a commitment is through NON COMMITMENT in the dating arena. Rori Raye actually calls this “Circular Dating”. In other words, you do NOT commit to a man, you date other men, until one of them gives you the level of commitment you want in your relationship.
This is an unconventional approach to dating, I know. Most of us, as women, find a guy and we want to get committed, we want that exclusivity in dating. But what does that DO to the mechanics of the relationship? Well, once he has your commitment, he no longer needs to chase you or work at getting you. If you remain uncommitted to him, though, he HAS to keep working at it until he finally gets the PRIZE, which is YOU. For more on this, check out Rori Raye’s or Christian Carter’s eBooks.
The fourth point you made is that you want openness and honesty in your relationship. This is CRITICAL. If he is not being honest with you, or you feel he is hiding something, tell him that. And here is how you do it in a non-confrontational way. Simply say to him, “Joe, I really feel that there are things that you are intentionally keeping from me. I am not asking you to divulge all your secrets, or even reveal anything to me that you may be keeping hidden. What I am saying, however, is that if I cannot feel complete trust for you, I cannot carry on in a relationship where trust is paramount”. IF he responds to that, continue using “I feel” statements to answer him. “That makes me feel (angry, frustrated, sad)”. Do not accuse him, but do not accept anything less than what you wanted to get. And be prepared to follow through with your actions. If you feel he is not being honest, pull back and disconnect until he is ready to be open with you.
Dating is hard – especially when things may not be going smoothly. But in seeking answers to your dating advice questions, you are doing the right thing. Continue to educate yourself on relationships and dating, and do not be afraid to take advantage of experts like Christian Carter and the materials they provide to women.
Good luck to you!
Sarah
{facebook-share}
I wanted to share some dating advice with you all on a reader’s response to my article “Don’t Be His Friend” where I shared Christian Carter’s advice on how to avoid the “friends with benefits” trap.
Hello,
I was recently reading your article titled “Don’t be his friend.” I find myself in this situation where I have been seeing a guy for 4 months and I did all the wrong things which led us to have the “talk” where he told me wants us to be friends but still each other and do romantic things. We left things off in a friendly tone but I’ve been thinking about what I should do next…remain his “friend” or just quit talking to him but after reading your article I think I will follow your advice. I just have a quick question/comment: My fear in continuing to be his friend but cutting off any lunches, dinners or talking/hanging out is that he will just move on to someone else that will give him more of what he wants or perhaps someone better than me? In this case, what if he ends up in a relationship or invested in someone?? (even though he told me he didn’t want this with ME) I might feel regret for not actually sticking around and would make me think….that could of been me! This happened to me in the past where I was seeing someone, they told me they did not want a relationship with me because they had just finished a relationship with someone and had ex-gf drama. I was on and off with him. Towards the end we were drifting apart although I still hoped for more with him but he met someone else and they have been together ever since. It made me feel as though I was lacking something, I did something wrong…or I didn’t play my cards right. Please help. I hope to hear some good advice from you!!
Thank you!!
First of all, I am very happy to know that you are seeing a pattern in your life and may be able to overcome it. In addition, congratulations on being open to LEARNING new things about yourself and about your relationships – this is a vital aspect to being able to “Catch Him and Keep Him” as Christian Carter says – because so many times our old habits and ways of doing things are NOT working for us!
So, on to your question…what if he really DOES leave when I cut off the relationship after he says he wants to be friends? Well, let me tell you what you NEED to hear in this case, rather than what you probably want to hear. If he does – then so be it. There is no guarantee in life that a man you are attracted to is going to be attracted back. There are certainly things you can do to escalate the attraction and to encourage him to want you in that way. However, if you have been overdoing, or chasing him, or pushing him in a way that brings your relationship to a point where he just wants to be friends, the problem is that he has lost his attraction for you, and it may NOT come back.
But this ok. You have to be strong here, because you do not want to be a doormat for a man. You want to be a strong, independent, powerful woman and Christian Carter emphasizes this when he tells you that you HAVE to love yourself first. You have to be able to have fun doing things that YOU want to do instead of what a man wants to do. Pamper yourself, make a date with yourself, go out and have fun being YOU and not being defined by your relationship.
You will learn from your mistakes, and what makes you think that this ONE man is the ONE man for you? Have you been able to experience a healthy, mature relationship yet where the give and take is equal, where your feelings, your wants, your needs were heard and met? Maybe you have, and maybe you have not, but my feeling is that you need to experience this, and regretting moving on is not the way to grow and expand yourself into the person you want to be.
Never let a man trample you. Don’t let him rule you. Don’t change yourself to be what he wants you to be. If he left – it IS his loss. You will find a more fulfilling and healthy relationship. Check out my post on the blog about being the “cool girl” and learn things that you can do to escalate attraction and assert yourself within a relationship or dating setting. And I hear the other readers saying “You go girl!” because you DO.
{facebook-share}
